Does it really "take a village"?

I don't know why but today has been one of those "emotional" days where I feel a gushy and heart-felt about lots of things in my life. I don't have these days often, but when I do, even commercials can make me cry. It is like being pregnant all over again. Gotta love hormones...(!)

The girls are both taking a nap (which is a large feat in and of itself) and I am setting up our first artificial Christmas tree (they sure have come a long way -- this baby looks quite real!) thinking of the relationships I have developed with people over the years and the relationships I currently have. The one question I find myself coming back to over-and-over again is "does it really take a village to raise a child?"

I have heard this expression my whole life and never really given much thought to it's meaning until recently. I have been stewing over this question for a couple weeks now waiting for the right moment to write my thoughts on the subject. I guess today is the day (lucky you...haha).

Kailee (my oldest) will be turning four years old in February and we (our family) have been in many different situations in regards to having a support system around. Being in the military has really put us in a smorgasbord of situations in regards to this. Seth has been deployed a couple times since having children. As any military spouse will tell you, deployments stink...especially without some sort of support system. I have tried play groups, Bible studies, and I have even resorted to eavesdropping (there's nothing like going to the park to stalk other families, eavesdropping, waiting for the "right moment" to intercede with a comment...haha)

I have to say that the most tenuous situation was when Kailee was first born (in NC), Seth's mom & sister left (after staying a week or so), and I knew no one. On some days, I was ok with this but some days were really rough. I longed for home. Those of you that know me know that this is a little "off" because every time I go home there is usually a lot of stress and arguing involved. (It's unfortunate, but that is how it is) On those days, I felt like I was just going to lose it. I cried a lot and felt that I needed someone--anyone. Sure, Seth was there, but he was working during the day. I have a very outgoing personality. Spending the entire day in the house talking to a baby wasn't enough.

I branched out and tried a couple mommy/play groups but they weren't very good. I then turned to the church we had just started attending because they had a Bible study going on for new moms. I met a couple women there. We then started exercising together daily. This is where I met one of my very best friends in the world. I eventually started meeting my neighbors. They, too, were fabulous women who turned out to be a great support system. As the deployments started, I realized that not only was it nice (for my personality type) to meet/know other people but I actually needed these women. They were my lifeline.

 I am usually not the type of person who plans things ahead of time or sticks to a schedule with the kids. Although I didn't do it intentionally, with each deployment a routine developed. In NC, I would go for a walk with a group of the neighborhood ladies to ease Kailee into her "bedtime routine" and make time pass in the evening. Without those women, without those walks, I don't know what I would have done...probably cried a lot more! The more "downtime" there is, the more time there is to stress about what could be happening to Seth...

What would I have done if I didn't have a 'village'? What about the time I had to go to the ER one evening due to severe stomach cramps and I had to take Kailee with me. I could hardly walk. Here I was in the bed, Kailee in her stroller (being pacified with food) well past her bedtime, praying for help. I called a friend from church and she came right over. Thank God for the "village". What about the time Seth was deploying and we wanted to go out for dinner one evening before he left? I am still grateful to my neighbor, Sarah (a "village member", of sorts), for watching Kailee. ...or you have those instances like now, where Seth isn't deployed but he is in school all day 5 days/week (and occasionally on weekends/evenings) and we don't get to spend much quality time together. Meeting other women who can exchange "babysitting" for those times out is priceless.

Before we even got the final word that we were moving to CA, I joined a mommies group here. Immediately the women started offering me advice about the area, offering to "house hunt" for us from afar, and more. It was amazing. Now that we are here, I feel I/we can rely on these women for just about anything. It's amazing really. We have company coming in for Christmas and I posted (on our message board) that I needed a couple air mattresses. It was amazing. Within hours, I received offers to let our guests stay at people's houses, offers for air mattresses, sheets, and more. It is the simple things... What would I do without my little "village" in California -- I would, more than likely, be "down" and "out". I was about to say that my house would be a little more clean with all of the time on my hands but that probably wouldn't happen. haha.

MY CURRENT "VILLAGE"

As far as my original question goes concerning it "taking a village", I am sure it depends on the personality of the parent(s) and child(ren) but for me, I think it may not "take a village" to raise a child but it definitely makes it much easier. I thank God daily for each new "village" I encounter, for the support I receive from like-minded women. I continue to pray that He will help me to be an encouragement and "light" to other moms/women in the same situation I am -- one in which a familial support system my not be readily available.

Being an Army wife can be hard, but it but it doesn't have to be. In life, you are dealt certain circumstances and you learn to deal with them in the best way you know how...for me, that is flying by the seat of my pants and subscribing to the view that, yes, it does take a village...so, I join or create one with each new place of residency and I force myself to get over my prideful self and accept the love and support that I know I need.

To all of the ladies who's "village" I have been a part of, I love you guys. Thank you for the support and love you have given to me. I will never forget it...

....and more stages.

Where was I? Oh yes, I had transitioned between a state of mind where I thought I wasn't deserving/thought I wouldn't achieve much in life to a state of mind where I realized that God had blessed me with an amazing husband and I was/am worth his love.

It's funny because even as I wrote that last sentence I cringed a little at how many people I know would think (do think/will think?) that sounds selfish, self-centered, and conceited. Why is it that some people think it is bad to love the person God has created you to be. There are many days when I don't feel worthy of God's love or trust (as in Him trusting me to take care of my girls and husband), but then I realize that's what's so amazing about God's grace; he loves us no matter what! I am so grateful!!

Sorry, I got off topic there a bit. So here I find myself in a loving, committed relationship, going to school, and working full time. Whew! It makes me tired just thinking about it. Looking back and really pondering on it, I don't see the next stage in my life as vividly as I did the first few. I guess the next stage came when Seth deployed to Iraq. I learned a lot about myself during this time! I have always thought of myself as a strong (and strong-willed, some would say stubborn -- sometimes to a fault) and independent person. Even as newlyweds Seth and I weren't that couple that had to be attached at the hip all of the time. We could walk into a room  and go our separate ways (this is where the aforementioned heart-melting looks from across the room come into play -- haha) and join back up later.

Through Seth's deployment I put on a facade of strength. What many peopl don't know is how many times I went home, sat on the floor and cried. They don't know how, when Seth's things arrived from Iraq the second week he was gone, I took out a shirt and sat on the floor crying while I held it to my face searching for any sign of him that would  make him feel closer. They don't know how I would wake up in a panic thinking that I might have missed a phone call from him.

When did I transition from a strong, independent girl to a dependent, mess of a woman on the middle of my living room floor? I can tell you when -- the week before he left. I knew how much I loved Seth but I would have never thought it would manifest itself in that way. The week before Seth left I couldn't even look at him with crying. What if he didn't come back to me? I couldn't possibly go on if he didn't...I couldn't imagine my life without him in it...not for one second.

Seth was leaving out of Ft. Bliss, TX so a couple days before he left we flew down to stay with his Aunt and Uncle in Plano, TX (a suberb outside of Dallas). It is funny how grief can strike at any minute...We were in the kitchen making tortilla chips and guacamole; Seth was standing on the other side of the kitchen and I just stood there and watched him laughing with his family. I couldn't help but think: What if this is the last time I see him smile? hear his laugh? feel his arms around me? his kiss on my lips? It was like one of those scenes in a movie where everything else kinda fades away and his movements were in slow motion. I wanted to savor every action. Every nod of his head. Every laugh that escaped his lips. I wanted more than anything for him to come over and tell me that everything was going to be ok and that he would come back to me. I wanted to yell at him for not coming over in that moment and reassuring me...but he had no idea what I was going through in that moment (and neither did anyone else). I held back the tears and excused myself before I had a  breakdown right there in front of his whole family...oh, don't worry -- this came a little later.

What had come of me??? Where was my strength?? Military families go through this everyday..."God? God? Are you there? Please, God, give me strength!! I can't do this without you...those were my thoughts in these weak moments." After Seth left (and, yes, I had a complete breakdown at the airport -- right in front of his aunt and uncle), I started a new stage of my life -- one completely dependent upon God to take care of me and my husband who was fighting for his life and the lives of others in a foreign country thousands of miles away...

Seth did come upstairs that night and put his arms around me. He tried to reassure me that everything was going to be ok...but he couldn't guarantee anything. Only God could do that...If only He would have, those 6 terrifying months would have been a lot easier. Seth and I then went back downstairs and talked with Seth's family for a while--on the outside it was as if nothing had happened (but I knew from that point on I would be changed forever). This time Seth would look across the room at me and give me a reassuring wink. All I could think was "Please God take care of him. Protect him. Surround him with 1000 angels. We need you now..."

Some stages in life are good. Did I like this short-lived "I'm going crazy with grief and depression" stage? No. Did I learn from it? Yes. Did it draw me closer to Seth? Yes. What about the stage that was coming? The one where I had to rely wholly on God? This stage was very difficult and simultaneously gratifying.

If you want to read more about the next stage of my life, be sure to "follow" me by RSS feed or email at the top of the page...

Stages...

There are distinct stages in every person's life. A person can define their life by age, career status, religious status, mental status, etc, etc... Each of these categories means something different to everyone. My genre of status changed once I met Seth. When I met Seth I was a "college student" and "retail sales associate" -- basically, I defined who I was by my career (or college status).

When I met Seth, things changed; suddenly I was a married woman...and not only was I married to an amazing man, but I was married to an Army officer! To me, this didn't mean much. Seth was, well, Seth. I loved his sarcastic humor (ask me how much I like it after 7 years...haha), quick wit, love of fitness, the way he could look at me from across a room and make my heart melt (and he can still do this). I thought of the Army as his job...just like my job was to sell tv's, computers, and phones at Sears. My job didn't define me; it was just a job. So, when I met Seth, I didn't think of all of the "things" that would eventually come along with being an Army wife, an officer's wife...it didn't take long for that to rectify itself.

So, at this point in my life I went from being a college student & sales associate to being a wife. It's crazy how that happens. I still attended classes and went to work but when I described myself, my description sounded more like "I enjoy hanging out with my husband and hiking/camping" instead of "I enjoy going to dance clubs (although I don't drink -- except water, of course) and staying out til all hours of the night". My stage in life had officially changed. I was growing up...learning who I was: as a wife, friend, and Christian. My focus changed and now I had to learn to live with another person; someone to hold me accountable for my actions, someone to make me a better person...hmmm...Although this transition didn't come all at once, it did seem to happen pretty quickly.

Now that I was an Army wife I apparently had a few things to learn. First on the list: what/where West Point was. Seriously? Now that my life was starting to change and it would come out that Seth was/is in the Army, I received a lot of different reactions. Seth, at the time, was working on his Master's at U of L (GO CARDS!) so people naturally would ask where he went to college. When my response was West Point, you would think that he went to Harvard or Yale by the looks on people's faces...The first time this happened I was a little surprised --"What's the big deal?" I had no idea what/where West Point even was. hahaha. So, I married someone that not only was a soldier, an officer, but he also went to a very well-known (give me credit, I was raised in a small town) University. Wow! I have a lot to live up to.

I am sure at this point, I probably thought (on more than one occasion): "Why in the world did Seth marry a girl like me? I can hardly speak properly (and he let me know several times a day), I was raised in a small town. Why me?" This was a huge emotional switch for me. I had always believed (not because someone told me but just because I assumed so...) that I would grow up and marry a small-town guy, and I would, no doubt, have a so-so (if not, horrible) marriage and, if I was lucky, no children. I didn't always believe the latter -- only while in college. It's not that I didn't like children, it's just that while in college I was in a horrible relationship and the last thing I wanted was to subject children to something like that.

My mom has been re-married several times, and although I know that we all live our lives differently, I subscribe to the notion that "once married, always married" (unless, of course, he is unfaithful). So, at this point, to transition my frame-of-mind to being in a committed relationship to a very loving, faithful, God-serving man that makes me want to be a better person (in every sense of the phrase) from the aforementioned frame-of-mind was somewhat of a shock...again, this transition came about slowly and there are time when I am still learning to adjust. The baggage seems to always remain, I just have to choose (sometimes once every few months, sometimes weekly, sometimes multiple times a day) to be a better person -- the person God has designed me to be.

(*more to come*)

Part 2...emotions.

I'm not even really sure how to broach the subject of emotions during deployments. First of all, you have to say goodbye. The goodbye seems to be one of the hardest parts...How do you say goodbye to the person you love more than anyone else in this world? How do you expect your children to say goodbye when they think that it is only for a short time...a trip to the grocery store for milk, a mid-day run, some time alone? How do you explain that night, as you put your beautiful, innocent children to sleep, that daddy isn't coming home tonight (or any night soon)? Just reading these thoughts as I type them brings up a well of emotions. I guess the best word to describe it is: heart-breaking. The other word that comes to mind is desperation. Desperate for one more hug, one more kiss, one more laugh, to hear him read one more night time story to the girls, to see him glance at me from across the room with those penetrating eyes, to hear him tell Kailee a "once upon a time" as she lays in bed at night...My heart literally hurts just thinking about it.

That is how we (military families) survive the emotional train wreck of deployments. We detach ourselves. We don't think about it. We just move...we just do. We do the dishes, we mow the lawn, we take our children for walks, we read the bedtime stories, we give them unconditional love, we let it slip (just this once...) when our children are misbehaving because, after all, how else do they show emotion? They miss daddy too. And when we hear the cry "I want daddy" during timeouts or after waking up from a bad dream, we just hold our little ones and cry with them saying, "I ,baby, Daddy loves you, and he'll be home soon".

I wish I could say that I am always strong in these situations. The truth is...I am weak. The worst deployment for me was only a 3 month tryst in Timbuktu, Mali, Africa. I longed for Seth...in every sense of the word. Kailee was young and I just felt like I was falling apart emotionally. I have heard people say that you should never tell your soldier about your emotional distress or if bad things are going on at home. I have heard that you should just deal with it because you shouldn't put your husband (in my case) in danger while he is deployed. "He needs to focus on his objective and nothing else -- He needs to stay alive." I will be the first to say that I think I am a strong person, but I couldn't bring myself to do this. During his short time in Mali, I can remember us both having complete meltdowns on the phone. It was hard. On one hand, I didn't want him to see this weakness in me but on the other hand, if I completely separated myself from the situation emotionally (which some people do -- to get through), I'm not sure our marriage would still be as strong as it is today. I can't just turn it on and off. Once you separate yourself like that, it is hard to get back...sometimes people never do. I truly believe this is one of the reasons divorce is so prevalent among the military.

This was the deployment that we decided Seth would get out of the Army. I NEEDED him. I wanted him to hug his daughter, to put his arms around me, to read her bedtime stories in person, not through a video he recorded before he left. Every night we would push play on the video to hear Seth repeating "In the great green room, there was a telephone..." My heart broke for Seth to have to be away from Kailee, and her from him. Will she remember it now? No. But he will. He will always know that he missed those times in her life. If I didn't love my husband, this would be easier to stomach, but I do. I love him with ever fiber of my being and it when he hurts, I hurt.

Are deployments hard? Yes. Do they sometimes feel like they are draining the life out of your family? Yes. Is God good? Yes. Does he have a plan? Yes.

Even after writing all of this and reliving the emotions that come along with it, I ask myself: Is being a military wife/mom worth it?

Yes. (Hindsight is 20/20)

(*more to come*)

Being a military spouse and mom (part 1: deployments)

There are lots of bad things that can be said about being a military mom/spouse. I could definitely compile a list and that list would definitely be longer while my husband is deployed (and I am hating the Army life x 1000). That would be the first thing on my list: deployments. There is no easy way of saying it: DEPLOYMENTS STINK! (If I was a "cussing" person, I could probably come up with many more colorful descriptions that would put this one to shame). Not only do deployments effect the immediate family (wife/husband and children) of those deployed but they also effect family and friends. Seth's first deployment came not long after the "Fight on terror" started in 2003. That wasn't when deployments first touched our lives, though. Seth had several friends (including his best friend, John) that couldn't make it to the grand occasion of our wedding in March of 2003 because they were on the first wave of deployments after the war started. This was my first taste of the Army/military life. Seth deployed in 2004 to Iraq for 6 months. I know! I had it easy. My best friend's husband was gone for 15 months (and they had already had their precious little girl).

...and then Kailee came. :) Of course, in the military, there are 3 types of babies: pre-deployment babies, post-deployment babies, and R&R babies. Kailee was a post-deployment baby. While Seth was deployed, I couldn't help but think that if something DID happen to him, I wouldn't have anything to remember him by. I know it sounds weird but at the time, this is truly what I was thinking. Deployments really mess with your mind, your emotions. It was rough. War-time emotions were running on high at the time -- with EVERYONE, not just the military families. I was working in a mall through college and I can't count the number of times some bumbling idiot (yes, I know that isn't very nice) would come into the store ranting about how he was mad at the soldiers (of all people!) for being in Iraq because they chose to join the military. Are you kidding me?!!? I was irate. How could someone be mad at the soldiers??? I still can't make since of that one. I am truly one of those people that think believe that you don't/didn't have to agree with the war (or the reasons we were there) to support the troops. My point is this -- you can't really understand the military lifestyle unless you are living it. It is a constant push and pull.

All of this being said and as strange as this may sounds, deployments really brought out the best in me as a mother. When Seth was/is home, I rely on him for help with the girls, pets, house, etc. In doing this, I often found/find myself slacking in these areas -- thinking that Seth could read the girls (or, at the time, it was only Kailee) a story, he could change the poopy diaper, he could unload the dishwasher, he could mow the lawn...I equate Seth being deployed to taking a full load of classes in college (like 19 or 20 hours). I did this one semester and it made me stay "on the ball". I had not time to slack. If I allowed myself that moment of weakness, it would be like an avalanche; my grades would take a turn for the worse very quickly. The same can be said about deployments (in my case, that is). When Seth is gone, somehow, it was, dare I say, easier? Physically, easier -- I had no choice, as a parent, but to do everything in my power to cater to Kailee's best interests. She wanted a story, she got it. The yard needed to be mowed, I did it. Everything stayed in order because I felt that is the one thing I had control of. If I were to let just one thing slip, it would all go spiraling out of my control.

Emotionally, this was another story and this is what inevitably led to Seth getting out of the Army all together...

(*more to come*)