Two boxes...I choose neither -- I choose God.

A few days ago I left myself a "note" on my blog to write about something that often comes to my attention as a mother. The toll society takes on us...

I should forewarn my readers that I am pretty much just going to ramble where my thoughts take me as I write this. There will, more than likely, not be much "flow" and continuity.

Since I became a mother my circle of friends has changed drastically. During 4.5 years of college, I worked in retail sales so that I could afford to pay rent, buy clothes, etc. In the sales field, there are many more men than women. On top of being surrounded by guys at work, I tended to migrate toward guys in class too. Women, especially in college, tended to be too catty for my taste. All of this being said, all of my friends (or almost all) in college were guys. Even after I got married, I kept many of the same friends (adding my husband to the top of the list, of course).

I got pregnant the month I graduated from college and continued to work in sales during this time. In December 2005, we moved to NC and this is when my circle/type of friends changed. I met a lot of my neighbors and started developing friendships there. I also joined a mommy's group and a "new mommies" Bible study. I didn't intentionally do these things to hang out with women, but because it just so happened that they had kids and I needed interaction with other people with children. It can really be lonely after having a new baby and moving to a new city all within a couple months. The mommies group that I joined was just what I thought a group of women getting together would be -- catty. I met a couple amazing women in the Mommies Bible study, one of these people soon became one of my best friends in the whole world! It was at this point, meeting Erin and the ladies from my neighborhood when I realized that I really NEEDED interaction with these women. It gave me a chance to talk about the things that other guys (especially those without children) just couldn't understand...Erin also became my Christian soundboard. She was the one I went to for Godly advice and friendship.

I have moved twice since leaving NC (gotta love the Army). Speaking of the Army (I warned you that I would ramble!!), that is another reason that the friendship of women, especially those with children, became so important. This is the reason I loved my neighbors so much. We were all in the same boat. Our husbands' deployed and we were left there with one another. I NEEDED those evening walks with the ladies even if we just complained to one another and ate baked treats. :) (on a side note, although I am loving my life right now, I really miss those times even still).

Since leaving NC, I have lived in KS and Monterey, CA. In both places, I just had this ache to meet other women in the same life circumstances as myself. In KS, it wasn't so easy. I joined a mommies group that was very "cliquey" and left after only a couple months. Right before I left KS, I met a woman that seemed to be a lot like myself and joined the group she was a part of. I really enjoyed it but was only there for a few short months before moving to Monterey. In Monterey, I joined a group and felt instantly connected. I love it!

Ok...so there is a reason for all of the background information. I have been surrounded by mommies (of one form or another) since Kailee was born. In this time (just over 3 years), I have, over and over, heard comments from these women about the way they do things and how they sometimes feel bad about them. Sometimes these things aren't said, but they are definitely implied.

For example, I have known (and still know) several moms who had a hard time nursing (breast feeding) their children and so they decided not to do it or they tried and it just didn't work. I can't count the number of times I could actually feel the "shame" (I'm not sure if that is the best word for this situation, but it is the closest thing I can come up with) that they were feeling. What causes this? I actually heard myself tell someone the other day (another Christian mom) that I sometimes feel bad/guilty because I don't want to have more children. First off, anyone who knows me knows that I tend to just say what I think about myself (I tend to not do this so much about others unless I know them very well)...I wear my heart on my sleeve; I am an emotional person -- definitely not rational in most situations (this is one of the reasons I married Seth; he is my rational half). Secondly, I am not usually the type of person to say something to elicit a reaction/comments out of someone. I tend to be pretty blunt about my feelings (as long as it isn't at the expense of someone else). So, why did I say this? I wondered this on my way home from the play date... Honestly, it is because I do sometimes feel bad (again, not the best choice of word) about being on birth control and being happy with just the two children I already have and not wanting to expand my family. Why is this? I'm not sure...that is the reason for this blog. I don't feel guilty, really. It is more like -- there are so many people out there that can't have children and here I am -- a healthy 27 year old. Also, as a Christian, sometimes you (I) feel like I am judged by this decision I have made not to have 100 kids...Maybe this is why I said this to another lady that I knew was a Christian...to elicit a response, to see what she thought. Sadly, I was happy to hear her say, "What? Why?" (*wiping my brow*) Whew! Maybe I'm not a horrible person!? Ok, so that is a bit over the top ...haha.

What is it that makes us feel this way as mothers?? Is it societal views? I just don't know if I can pin it on that because society accepts so many other things as ok. Maybe it is just the circles that I keep...?? Maybe these women (the breast feeding women) feel like they will be judged by the women who did nurse their children? I really don't know. I just know that why I said the aforementioned thing (above) to the woman in my group; I almost kicked myself as soon as I said it because really I don't feel bad, I just feel like I am not living up to my role as a Christian -- in some people's viewpoints. Then there is the question of: Why do I even care what people think of me? Really, the only person I should care about impressing/pleasing is God. He is my creator/judge. I know this in my head, but when it comes down to it, I also want to make other people happy with who I am.

I am going to say something right now that would probably send my mom over the edge...really. I AM HAPPY WITH WHO I AM...at least for the most part. I know I am not perfect. The Bible is very clear on that point. The only perfect person that ever walked the face of this Earth is Jesus Christ. I do things sometimes that I wish I could take back -- saying something mean about someone, thinking something mean about someone, telling a white lie, not spending enough time with Him...but as far as the person I have evolved to be...I like this person. It has taken me a long time to get here.

(I know I am totally off subject, but who cares...) I remember a time in high school (high school, people--not middle school, not elementary school) that my sister was brushing my hair, or playing with my hair (this was pretty unusual really). My mom was sitting on the bed with us and Tiffany pulled my hair or something (by accident) and I exclaimed that, "ouch, that hurts". Tiffany said that she was just trying to make my hair look pretty. I remember being upset by her saying that (ok, so maybe I was a little sensitive back then) and saying back that I already had pretty hair. For those of you who knew me in HS, know that this really wasn't the case but I digress... I can still remember the look of shock and disgust on my mom's face when she told me that I was so conceited just like my cousin (who everyone thought was conceited, I guess -- I don't really remember why). This still sticks with me to this day. Really? Are women not allowed to think they are pretty without being put into the conceited box?

Are there two boxes: conceited and not conceited, breastfeeder (child nurturer) and not a breastfeeder (non-child nurturer), one or another. Can't their be a middle ground. Do I have to fit in society's box to be fully accepted and not looked down on by one group or another? Can't someone like the way they look without being conceited? Can't someone be an amazing mother without breastfeeding their child? Can't someone still be a Christian with zeal for life without wanting to have "as many kids as the Lord blesses me with"? I mean, really? This drives me crazy!! Where do people get these ideas?

So, society or...what? I just don't know. All I know is that no matter what it is, starting now (after typing through my thoughts), I am going to strive to please only One...God. Does anything else really matter?