How quickly they grow.

Seth has been off for the past 4 days and it has been heavenly. I love having him home. There are so many topics on my list of things that I wanted to blog about and now that I have created a little slot of time to do so (everyone has gone to bed) I don't know where to start. Blogging can be so liberating...I can say whatever I want and I don't have to worry about anything (ie, driving people crazy with my incessant chatter). haha.

I guess I should start by saying "life is good." This picture really says it all:

Seth and Kailee went to the library the other day to get "The Little House in the Big Woods" (he loved The Little House on the Prairie series as a child) and they have been reading a chapter together every night -- Sophia doesn't really like to sit for any length of time to read so we stick to the shorter books with her. I was doing some work in the office last night, while I listened to him read to her. I noticed it got quiet so I just assumed that Seth took Kailee to bed. After about 10 minutes of silence I heard Seth's snores start to waft into the office so I decided to check it out and this is what I came upon. It was such a heart-warming sight.

While I looked at them asleep in the papasan chair (after I took a picture) I couldn't help but to feel a small tinge of sadness. Kailee seems to be growing up so quickly these days...and I'm not just talking about her height. She is acting like such a big girl. I can't help but to laugh at some of the things she says to me sometimes. On top of that, (this is not going to sound like a big deal to most of you) Kailee took her first shower tonight (after playing in the bath for 1/2 hour first. haha). I have been trying to get Kailee to take a shower since she could stand up. I have friends who's kids have taken showers from birth and like it. My girls have never liked showers. Kailee has always cried when I tried to turn on the shower. Tonight she let me turn on the shower and wash her hair...Although I am pretty sure I am done in the baby department, I have to say that I can see the appeal of having more babies when children hit this age.  It seems like just yesterday that I was in the nursing her, rocking her, soothing her, she was just a baby...

...and Sophia. WOW! She has grown leaps and bounds in just a month. She started with two word sentences about 2 weeks ago and now she is on to three words. It is so amazing the things they can pick up on. Sophia loves to mimic her big sister. If Kailee says she wants string cheese, Sophia isn't far behind saying the exact same thing followed by "too". It is really cute. Read book too. Go walk too. Watch cartoon too (although she will not sit through one). I love it! This is one of my favorite ages -- their brains are such sponges. Everyday is a new adventure. I am so blessed to be able to take this adventure with my girls. I thank God everyday and pray the He will lead us to bring them up in the way He would see fit; that they would come to know Christ at an early age. I pray for God to intercede because I feel like I sometimes fall short and I know He will never disappoint. I will continue to praise God for his grace and never-ending love...and for loaning me these two amazing gifts -- they are my everything!

Wordless Wednesdays...

Insert Sophia standing on the counter...

Then imagine her standing in time out in her diaper (as you can see her pj's are on the counter to the left) crying "cold! cold!"

My newest endeavor...

I have been waiting to blog about my newest endeavor...Why? I don't really know. Better late than never, right?

For those of you who know me (really know me), you know that I have had a hard time with the whole "being a stay at home mom" thing. I never envisioned myself doing this. I thought I would go to college, get a job, get married, and... I, for the life of me, can't figure out why I never thought about where kids would fit into the picture. It's not really that I didn't envision myself having kids, I just never thought that far ahead, I guess.

I remember my mom once saying to me something along the lines of "you never really liked kids". At the time, I was shocked. I couldn't understand why she would think that. I still don't quite know but I have learned that she may have known something about me that I didn't quite know about myself. It's not that I don't/didn't like kids, it's just that after a while they start to drive me crazy...my own included. Now for those of you that are reading this and may be thinking "What? Did she just say that?" Trust me...this is what many moms (especially SAHM) think...they just don't express it because of what people would think.

To me, there is nothing wrong with saying that my kids sometimes make me feel like I'm going crazy and need to just "get away" for a while. Is it their fault? Of course not. They are only 2 and 3 years old...they are just being kids. It just so happens that they dirty LOTS of clothes, make incessant messes (after I JUST cleaned it 3x!!), and they whine and cry a lot. Who in their right mind wouldn't need a break from this -- on occasion?

...and, no, my newest endeavor is not torturing my children (though it has crossed my mind....I'm just kidding, I think). :-) hahahaha

I sometimes wonder what Seth really thinks of me -- I am the wife who can't keep the house clean, the laundry sits folded on top of furniture for days waiting for the laundry fairy to put it away (as it is right now -- Where is she???), I end some days realizing it has been 2 (or dare I say 3) days since I last showered, I handle the household finances and don't always do the best job of sticking to the budget, I don't fix my hair 1/2 the time, there isn't always food available for breakfast... hmmm...I'm a HORRIBLE stay at home mom.

The only thing I do right (most of the time) is the "mom" part. I LOVE my kids but it is really overwhelming to get everything done in one day. Oftentimes I find myself at the end of the day thinking "I didn't get ____________ (insert any number of things) done again today!". So...frequently, they come first. I take them to play dates, read them books, watch (referee) them play, bake cookies with them, paint with them, etc., etc. Those days when I focus on getting the list above done, my children get on my very last nerve. There really is not a nice way of saying it. The drive me bonkers! I sweep the floor only to return to find crumbs all over it. I fold the laundry only to have Sophia (or Kailee) unfold them to try to help me fold them. I sit down to work on the budget only to have them try to crawl in my lap (mostly Sophia here) and press the "home" button on the keyboard 100x. I find myself very impatient and short with them on these days...and, at the end of the day, I find myself frustrated with, well, myself.

I have always been an entrepreneur of sorts (well, at least my mind works this way). Now, I guess the correct terminology is "mompreneur" (seriously, I didn't come up with this on my own). I know it sounds crazy since I already have so much on my plate with taking care of my family and our household but I needed something to help me "get away". Something that I could do to help contribute while at the same time having some time away from my precious, darling, angel girls (insert sarcasm). So, I decided to try an MLM/Direct Sales route (Multi-level marketing).

I am one of the odd people in this world who loves sales! I worked in sales through college and loved meeting new people from all walks of life (though there were those few that I could have definitely gone without meeting). I loved closing the deal. I loved that my pay check was a direct indicator of how well/poorly I was doing -- instant gratification, of sorts. I was pretty good at it. I WAS NOT one of those schmoozy people that talked you into buying something. I am/was one of those people that sought out your needs and tailored what I had/have to those needs. I was/am nice and friendly. That goes a long way these days. In a time when customer service is horrible almost everywhere we go, people LOVE nice and friendly. I definitely do! I will go out of my way (and even spend a little more money) to go somewhere with good customer service and friendly employees.

All of this to say that I started selling Scentsy in September. I had a friend of mine (from my mom's group here in Monterey) ask me to host a party for her and I did (wanting to help her out) not even knowing what Scentsy was. I fell in love with the product. I love scented candles!! The great thing (or so I think) about Scentsy warmers is that they don't have a flame and the wax doesn't evaporate into the air. The three biggest sellers for me were the fact that the scents smell amazing, the wax doesn't get hot enough to burn the girls, and the wax is re-usable making it a lot less expensive than regular candles. The added bonus is that the warmers look nice!

Anyway, so after doing some research (for like 2 days- haha), I decided Scentsy was for me. YAY!

More about my work from home journey/entrepreneurial failures to come. Be sure to subscribe above to get future updates...

....and more stages.

Where was I? Oh yes, I had transitioned between a state of mind where I thought I wasn't deserving/thought I wouldn't achieve much in life to a state of mind where I realized that God had blessed me with an amazing husband and I was/am worth his love.

It's funny because even as I wrote that last sentence I cringed a little at how many people I know would think (do think/will think?) that sounds selfish, self-centered, and conceited. Why is it that some people think it is bad to love the person God has created you to be. There are many days when I don't feel worthy of God's love or trust (as in Him trusting me to take care of my girls and husband), but then I realize that's what's so amazing about God's grace; he loves us no matter what! I am so grateful!!

Sorry, I got off topic there a bit. So here I find myself in a loving, committed relationship, going to school, and working full time. Whew! It makes me tired just thinking about it. Looking back and really pondering on it, I don't see the next stage in my life as vividly as I did the first few. I guess the next stage came when Seth deployed to Iraq. I learned a lot about myself during this time! I have always thought of myself as a strong (and strong-willed, some would say stubborn -- sometimes to a fault) and independent person. Even as newlyweds Seth and I weren't that couple that had to be attached at the hip all of the time. We could walk into a room  and go our separate ways (this is where the aforementioned heart-melting looks from across the room come into play -- haha) and join back up later.

Through Seth's deployment I put on a facade of strength. What many peopl don't know is how many times I went home, sat on the floor and cried. They don't know how, when Seth's things arrived from Iraq the second week he was gone, I took out a shirt and sat on the floor crying while I held it to my face searching for any sign of him that would  make him feel closer. They don't know how I would wake up in a panic thinking that I might have missed a phone call from him.

When did I transition from a strong, independent girl to a dependent, mess of a woman on the middle of my living room floor? I can tell you when -- the week before he left. I knew how much I loved Seth but I would have never thought it would manifest itself in that way. The week before Seth left I couldn't even look at him with crying. What if he didn't come back to me? I couldn't possibly go on if he didn't...I couldn't imagine my life without him in it...not for one second.

Seth was leaving out of Ft. Bliss, TX so a couple days before he left we flew down to stay with his Aunt and Uncle in Plano, TX (a suberb outside of Dallas). It is funny how grief can strike at any minute...We were in the kitchen making tortilla chips and guacamole; Seth was standing on the other side of the kitchen and I just stood there and watched him laughing with his family. I couldn't help but think: What if this is the last time I see him smile? hear his laugh? feel his arms around me? his kiss on my lips? It was like one of those scenes in a movie where everything else kinda fades away and his movements were in slow motion. I wanted to savor every action. Every nod of his head. Every laugh that escaped his lips. I wanted more than anything for him to come over and tell me that everything was going to be ok and that he would come back to me. I wanted to yell at him for not coming over in that moment and reassuring me...but he had no idea what I was going through in that moment (and neither did anyone else). I held back the tears and excused myself before I had a  breakdown right there in front of his whole family...oh, don't worry -- this came a little later.

What had come of me??? Where was my strength?? Military families go through this everyday..."God? God? Are you there? Please, God, give me strength!! I can't do this without you...those were my thoughts in these weak moments." After Seth left (and, yes, I had a complete breakdown at the airport -- right in front of his aunt and uncle), I started a new stage of my life -- one completely dependent upon God to take care of me and my husband who was fighting for his life and the lives of others in a foreign country thousands of miles away...

Seth did come upstairs that night and put his arms around me. He tried to reassure me that everything was going to be ok...but he couldn't guarantee anything. Only God could do that...If only He would have, those 6 terrifying months would have been a lot easier. Seth and I then went back downstairs and talked with Seth's family for a while--on the outside it was as if nothing had happened (but I knew from that point on I would be changed forever). This time Seth would look across the room at me and give me a reassuring wink. All I could think was "Please God take care of him. Protect him. Surround him with 1000 angels. We need you now..."

Some stages in life are good. Did I like this short-lived "I'm going crazy with grief and depression" stage? No. Did I learn from it? Yes. Did it draw me closer to Seth? Yes. What about the stage that was coming? The one where I had to rely wholly on God? This stage was very difficult and simultaneously gratifying.

If you want to read more about the next stage of my life, be sure to "follow" me by RSS feed or email at the top of the page...

Stages...

There are distinct stages in every person's life. A person can define their life by age, career status, religious status, mental status, etc, etc... Each of these categories means something different to everyone. My genre of status changed once I met Seth. When I met Seth I was a "college student" and "retail sales associate" -- basically, I defined who I was by my career (or college status).

When I met Seth, things changed; suddenly I was a married woman...and not only was I married to an amazing man, but I was married to an Army officer! To me, this didn't mean much. Seth was, well, Seth. I loved his sarcastic humor (ask me how much I like it after 7 years...haha), quick wit, love of fitness, the way he could look at me from across a room and make my heart melt (and he can still do this). I thought of the Army as his job...just like my job was to sell tv's, computers, and phones at Sears. My job didn't define me; it was just a job. So, when I met Seth, I didn't think of all of the "things" that would eventually come along with being an Army wife, an officer's wife...it didn't take long for that to rectify itself.

So, at this point in my life I went from being a college student & sales associate to being a wife. It's crazy how that happens. I still attended classes and went to work but when I described myself, my description sounded more like "I enjoy hanging out with my husband and hiking/camping" instead of "I enjoy going to dance clubs (although I don't drink -- except water, of course) and staying out til all hours of the night". My stage in life had officially changed. I was growing up...learning who I was: as a wife, friend, and Christian. My focus changed and now I had to learn to live with another person; someone to hold me accountable for my actions, someone to make me a better person...hmmm...Although this transition didn't come all at once, it did seem to happen pretty quickly.

Now that I was an Army wife I apparently had a few things to learn. First on the list: what/where West Point was. Seriously? Now that my life was starting to change and it would come out that Seth was/is in the Army, I received a lot of different reactions. Seth, at the time, was working on his Master's at U of L (GO CARDS!) so people naturally would ask where he went to college. When my response was West Point, you would think that he went to Harvard or Yale by the looks on people's faces...The first time this happened I was a little surprised --"What's the big deal?" I had no idea what/where West Point even was. hahaha. So, I married someone that not only was a soldier, an officer, but he also went to a very well-known (give me credit, I was raised in a small town) University. Wow! I have a lot to live up to.

I am sure at this point, I probably thought (on more than one occasion): "Why in the world did Seth marry a girl like me? I can hardly speak properly (and he let me know several times a day), I was raised in a small town. Why me?" This was a huge emotional switch for me. I had always believed (not because someone told me but just because I assumed so...) that I would grow up and marry a small-town guy, and I would, no doubt, have a so-so (if not, horrible) marriage and, if I was lucky, no children. I didn't always believe the latter -- only while in college. It's not that I didn't like children, it's just that while in college I was in a horrible relationship and the last thing I wanted was to subject children to something like that.

My mom has been re-married several times, and although I know that we all live our lives differently, I subscribe to the notion that "once married, always married" (unless, of course, he is unfaithful). So, at this point, to transition my frame-of-mind to being in a committed relationship to a very loving, faithful, God-serving man that makes me want to be a better person (in every sense of the phrase) from the aforementioned frame-of-mind was somewhat of a shock...again, this transition came about slowly and there are time when I am still learning to adjust. The baggage seems to always remain, I just have to choose (sometimes once every few months, sometimes weekly, sometimes multiple times a day) to be a better person -- the person God has designed me to be.

(*more to come*)

A blogging conundrum of sorts...

I am finding that the worst part about blogging isn't having something to blog about but rather finding the time to actually blog about them. For example, a couple weeks ago (Not hours, not days, but weeks!) I was walking to church (I attended a praise and worship service at another church before going to our regular service before church) and it was so peaceful (it is never peaceful around my house...). I started paying attention to the sounds and smells, what people were doing, how the wind was blowing, how peaceful it was... I thought, I really want to go home and blog about this walk -- it was such an amazing and insightful walk -- but instead I went to church, came home, heading to church (again...), and then forgot to blog. Since that day I have probably done that a dozen times. I have these really insightful moments and I want to type them out (somehow it gives me clarity and, hopefully, it sometimes does for others too) but just never get around to it. So, here I am blogging about nothing instead. Ugh! It is so frustrating.

I know I have said this in the past but I will say it again -- I am going to work on blogging more regularly...and about fruitful, insightful topics. :0) I am sure that some people wonder why...why does it matter if you blog everyday? Well, it helps me keep my thoughts together. It is, somehow, cathartic for me. When I blog I feel like I was able to really express myself (and who cares if the whole world can read it...). It seems like life gets so busy and I am home with the girls all day so sometimes I don't have someone to talk to (a 3 1/2 & 2 year old don't count!). Blogging allows me to say the things I want to say and if someone reads it (and comments...), fine, if not, that is fine too. haha It is a soliloquy, of sorts.

So...for now, I am off because my dear, youngest child is out of her bed AGAIN! (deep breeaths...) and I have to go assert my scrawny authority. :0) Wish me luck!

Naptime Drama!

"Llama Llama Red Pajama reads a story with his mamma. Mamma kisses baby's hair. Mamma Llama goes down stairs..." and that is definitely not the end. Seriously? Why do children NOT go to bed when they are told? About a month ago Sophia started climbing out of her crib...I knew at that moment that I would never get a moment's peace again. Her crib was my refuge...When I needed to "get away", she would go in her crib and I would have peace and quiet (except, of course, when Kailee calls from "quiet time", "Mom, can I get up yet?").

Does anyone's children (ages 2+) go to sleep when they are supposed to actually go to sleep? I'm am going to conduct a poll. Be sure to vote. :) If you are in the amazing category of "my child is a perfect angel who listens to everything I say, especially bed time", please, please, comment with what you did/do to make this happen...

I have tried swatting the leg, threatening, bribery, etc, etc...

...and there was one.

I had an amazing weekend. (How's that for a good start?) Seth's friend, John, got married yesterday in Dallas so Seth and Kailee went to the wedding leaving me and Sophia here to hang out. I forgot out easy it is to have only one child at a time -- no fighting and no screaming. One thing I did realize is that it is a lot more work but it can be more rewarding (in an easier sense) when you only have one child with you. I know that may seem weird so let me clarify. When both girls are here, it is easier for me to get caught up in what is going on in my day. I tend to think that the girls can just play with each other while I do the things I need (err...want) to do. For instance, I might sit down to check my email and then before I know it I have been on the computer for an hour with Kailee and Sophia coming in and me telling them to "go play". I know this sounds harsh but it happens...a lot more than I would like to admit to. :( This weekend, while Sophia was the only one here, I found myself realizing that she couldn't very well go play with herself when she's used to having Kailee here (and she is only 2 -- YAY! -- as of today). So, I would turn away from my menial task and go play with her. It was so rewarding! I

It was also really sad. Kailee has never been away from me for more than a couple hours (except once when she stayed with Grandma while Seth and I went to KC for a night). During the day while Seth was in school, I started to panic. What if something happened? Did Kailee understand how much I love her?? How could I let her know? I am sure she was so tired of me picking her up, with tear-filled eyes, and telling her how much I love her...and making her tell and re-tell me my cell phone number and her mommy's and daddy's names. :)

Later that night when Kailee called me, ecstatic that they were staying in a hotel room, I got teary-eyed again. My baby is growing up! How/when did this happen? I have always said that I look forward to this age and now that it is here I am sad about it. Will I ever get to the point that I want another child...? I don't like the sleepless nights or the effects that pregnancy has on my body but I love my girls so much that it literally hurts sometimes. I know I would love another child just as much...hmmm...we shall see.

Back to my amazing weekend: Sophia has never had me alone for more than an hour or two at a time (and usually she is napping when that happens). She laughed a lot this weekend! I LOVE hearing my children genuinely laugh. It is the highlight of my day -- when their faces light up with laughter. It takes my breath away -- literally.

On Saturday, we hung out with some friends and it was so nice. Allison & Cory are a couple in town that have a lot of the same beliefs that we have...and Allison and I get along great. Unfortunately our children do not. haha. Allison's son, Steven, terrorizes Sophia. He is constantly pulling her hair, yanking her to the ground, etc...He is only a year old (just turned last month) but he is almost 3 ft. tall. Both of his parents are over 6'. Imagine this boy, almost as tall as Sophia, that doesn't quite understand that he shouldn't do these things. It was a trying day for Sophia yesterday (at least for an hour or so). Allison and Cory did a great job correcting Steven and finally at the end of the day, he actually came up and hugged Sophia -- though she was scared out of her wits when he came up to her with his arms out. hahaha. They will get used to each other. :)

Today was a big day! Sophia turned 2!!! When Kailee turned two she got a "big girl bed" and so we carried the tradition on with Sophia. Today she transitioned out of her crib and into a toddler bed that matches Kailee's. She has been climbing out of her crib constantly. I took pictures last night of her last night in the crib. :( It is sad, in a way. She is 2 and Kailee is 3 3/4 (haha...I know). Before I know it they are going to be going to college and getting married with children of their own.

Kailee tells me almost every day that she wants to be an astronaut, an entrepreneur ("like my mommy" -- haha), and a mommy. I just tell her she can do anything she sets her mind to. Let her dream big!! It takes big dreams to accomplish big actions.

So, Kailee & Seth got back from TX today and, while the girls napped for over 2 hours (Woo Hoo!), I went out to get a couple things for Sophia's birthday while Seth relaxed a little. These hectic weekends send him to the brink of insanity. He is definitely different than I am in that way. I could go, go, go all the time but Seth needs down time. That being said, I decided not to have the girls' friends over like I had originally planned and we made it a small family affair. I have to admit that it was kinda nice just being together with my family and watching the girls have so much fun opening presents and singing "Happy Birthday". I love my family. I love my life. God has been so good to me. I feel so undeserving...

So, I got Kailee a couple small things too so she didn't feel left out (and so I don't have to hear them fighting over Sophia's new toys for weeks on end -- selfish, I know). They both got a new baby doll, Sophia got a new doll stroller (they already have one), Kailee and Sophia both got a new book. Kailee's book is a Bible Study for Toddlers -- it is really simple and I am going to start reading it to her (them) in the mornings. Sophia's book is called "Tickle Monster" and it is really cute. Sophia also got a new outfit and a pair of shoes. We like to keep it simple. Not to mention, she got her bed. I am listening to the girls in their rooms right now talking incessantly. Their beds are side-by-side so I think they are really enjoying "catching up" from this weekend. :) I will post pictures later.

After this weekend, I realize that I need to spend more "quality time" with my girls. I knew this before and I have been really cutting back on play dates and such in order to accomplish this. One would thing that since I am a SAHM, I would be spending tons of quality time with the girls...I have learned there is a large difference between quality time and the quantity of time. When we go to play dates (and we were going 5 days/week), I tell the girls to go play and I talk to the other moms there. I don't really spend any quality time with the girls. :( I'm not sure how this works out...but I am working on correcting it.

I pray daily for patience...and lots of it. I find myself, oftentimes, getting very snappy and cranking toward the girls. I have this list of things I want to get done in one day and sometimes I need to just throw the list out the window and enjoy them...they will not always be this small and, before I know it, they will be in school all day. Part of me wants to rejoice at this and the other part of me wants to cry.

On that note, I am going to go in and tell them good night one more time...and remind them of my love for them. I am so glad that God had such amazing plans for my life. :)

Relief...

Today was a good day. :) I wasn't so sure it was going to be when I woke up to the sound of the girls at 6:30 this morning (AGAIN!). Dastardly time change! This is the first time it has ever really effected Kailee -- actually, maybe it hasn't really effected Kailee; maybe Sophia waking up early is effecting Kailee. Ugh. Either way...I don't d0 mornings. To make it all worse, we had to be at the track at 9 this morning to do intervals, plyometrics, and squats. It is a good thing I had people relying on me to be there or else I definitely would not have worked out today. All of that to say that I am glad I worked out (after the fact)...

The girls and I came home and they played, without fighting, for almost an hour!! It seems these days the girls fight over everything! Seriously...It's crazy! I was able to FINALLY get through two inboxes of emails that have been piling up on me. It is one of my biggest pet peaves to have more than a few (3-5) email in my inbox at any given time -- today I had over 40! ...and that didn't include my Scentsy inbox. YAY!

The guy came to fix the shower. The mold issue was getting completely out of hand! Even if I cleaned the shower everyday (and I most certainly did not), there was no way to keep the mold from taking over. YUCK! He had to use a wire brush to remove the existing mold...ewwww... I'm glad its gone. While he was here I was actually able to clean my house while the girls took a bath. Yes folks, they like to take loonnnggg baths; the type of bath where the water turns freezing cold and their lips turn blue -- and I still have to drag Kailee out. Oftentimes I result to bribery (did I just say that outloud?).

The icing on the cake -- I had someone watch the girls for a couple hours tonight so I could go to an OSSC meeting (my first one!). It was really nice. There were about 40 other women there (all officer's wives) and we talked about decorating -- YAY! I love my children and I love to talk about them but enough is enough already. :) It was so nice to get out and talk about something other than baby poop and play dates. I feel so refreshed.

Now I am off to get a good night's rest. I stayed up way too late last night.

Sorry for boring you guys to tears...I promise a more insightful email when my mind isn't so foggy from sleep deprivation.