Does it really "take a village"?

I don't know why but today has been one of those "emotional" days where I feel a gushy and heart-felt about lots of things in my life. I don't have these days often, but when I do, even commercials can make me cry. It is like being pregnant all over again. Gotta love hormones...(!)

The girls are both taking a nap (which is a large feat in and of itself) and I am setting up our first artificial Christmas tree (they sure have come a long way -- this baby looks quite real!) thinking of the relationships I have developed with people over the years and the relationships I currently have. The one question I find myself coming back to over-and-over again is "does it really take a village to raise a child?"

I have heard this expression my whole life and never really given much thought to it's meaning until recently. I have been stewing over this question for a couple weeks now waiting for the right moment to write my thoughts on the subject. I guess today is the day (lucky you...haha).

Kailee (my oldest) will be turning four years old in February and we (our family) have been in many different situations in regards to having a support system around. Being in the military has really put us in a smorgasbord of situations in regards to this. Seth has been deployed a couple times since having children. As any military spouse will tell you, deployments stink...especially without some sort of support system. I have tried play groups, Bible studies, and I have even resorted to eavesdropping (there's nothing like going to the park to stalk other families, eavesdropping, waiting for the "right moment" to intercede with a comment...haha)

I have to say that the most tenuous situation was when Kailee was first born (in NC), Seth's mom & sister left (after staying a week or so), and I knew no one. On some days, I was ok with this but some days were really rough. I longed for home. Those of you that know me know that this is a little "off" because every time I go home there is usually a lot of stress and arguing involved. (It's unfortunate, but that is how it is) On those days, I felt like I was just going to lose it. I cried a lot and felt that I needed someone--anyone. Sure, Seth was there, but he was working during the day. I have a very outgoing personality. Spending the entire day in the house talking to a baby wasn't enough.

I branched out and tried a couple mommy/play groups but they weren't very good. I then turned to the church we had just started attending because they had a Bible study going on for new moms. I met a couple women there. We then started exercising together daily. This is where I met one of my very best friends in the world. I eventually started meeting my neighbors. They, too, were fabulous women who turned out to be a great support system. As the deployments started, I realized that not only was it nice (for my personality type) to meet/know other people but I actually needed these women. They were my lifeline.

 I am usually not the type of person who plans things ahead of time or sticks to a schedule with the kids. Although I didn't do it intentionally, with each deployment a routine developed. In NC, I would go for a walk with a group of the neighborhood ladies to ease Kailee into her "bedtime routine" and make time pass in the evening. Without those women, without those walks, I don't know what I would have done...probably cried a lot more! The more "downtime" there is, the more time there is to stress about what could be happening to Seth...

What would I have done if I didn't have a 'village'? What about the time I had to go to the ER one evening due to severe stomach cramps and I had to take Kailee with me. I could hardly walk. Here I was in the bed, Kailee in her stroller (being pacified with food) well past her bedtime, praying for help. I called a friend from church and she came right over. Thank God for the "village". What about the time Seth was deploying and we wanted to go out for dinner one evening before he left? I am still grateful to my neighbor, Sarah (a "village member", of sorts), for watching Kailee. ...or you have those instances like now, where Seth isn't deployed but he is in school all day 5 days/week (and occasionally on weekends/evenings) and we don't get to spend much quality time together. Meeting other women who can exchange "babysitting" for those times out is priceless.

Before we even got the final word that we were moving to CA, I joined a mommies group here. Immediately the women started offering me advice about the area, offering to "house hunt" for us from afar, and more. It was amazing. Now that we are here, I feel I/we can rely on these women for just about anything. It's amazing really. We have company coming in for Christmas and I posted (on our message board) that I needed a couple air mattresses. It was amazing. Within hours, I received offers to let our guests stay at people's houses, offers for air mattresses, sheets, and more. It is the simple things... What would I do without my little "village" in California -- I would, more than likely, be "down" and "out". I was about to say that my house would be a little more clean with all of the time on my hands but that probably wouldn't happen. haha.

MY CURRENT "VILLAGE"

As far as my original question goes concerning it "taking a village", I am sure it depends on the personality of the parent(s) and child(ren) but for me, I think it may not "take a village" to raise a child but it definitely makes it much easier. I thank God daily for each new "village" I encounter, for the support I receive from like-minded women. I continue to pray that He will help me to be an encouragement and "light" to other moms/women in the same situation I am -- one in which a familial support system my not be readily available.

Being an Army wife can be hard, but it but it doesn't have to be. In life, you are dealt certain circumstances and you learn to deal with them in the best way you know how...for me, that is flying by the seat of my pants and subscribing to the view that, yes, it does take a village...so, I join or create one with each new place of residency and I force myself to get over my prideful self and accept the love and support that I know I need.

To all of the ladies who's "village" I have been a part of, I love you guys. Thank you for the support and love you have given to me. I will never forget it...

How quickly they grow.

Seth has been off for the past 4 days and it has been heavenly. I love having him home. There are so many topics on my list of things that I wanted to blog about and now that I have created a little slot of time to do so (everyone has gone to bed) I don't know where to start. Blogging can be so liberating...I can say whatever I want and I don't have to worry about anything (ie, driving people crazy with my incessant chatter). haha.

I guess I should start by saying "life is good." This picture really says it all:

Seth and Kailee went to the library the other day to get "The Little House in the Big Woods" (he loved The Little House on the Prairie series as a child) and they have been reading a chapter together every night -- Sophia doesn't really like to sit for any length of time to read so we stick to the shorter books with her. I was doing some work in the office last night, while I listened to him read to her. I noticed it got quiet so I just assumed that Seth took Kailee to bed. After about 10 minutes of silence I heard Seth's snores start to waft into the office so I decided to check it out and this is what I came upon. It was such a heart-warming sight.

While I looked at them asleep in the papasan chair (after I took a picture) I couldn't help but to feel a small tinge of sadness. Kailee seems to be growing up so quickly these days...and I'm not just talking about her height. She is acting like such a big girl. I can't help but to laugh at some of the things she says to me sometimes. On top of that, (this is not going to sound like a big deal to most of you) Kailee took her first shower tonight (after playing in the bath for 1/2 hour first. haha). I have been trying to get Kailee to take a shower since she could stand up. I have friends who's kids have taken showers from birth and like it. My girls have never liked showers. Kailee has always cried when I tried to turn on the shower. Tonight she let me turn on the shower and wash her hair...Although I am pretty sure I am done in the baby department, I have to say that I can see the appeal of having more babies when children hit this age.  It seems like just yesterday that I was in the nursing her, rocking her, soothing her, she was just a baby...

...and Sophia. WOW! She has grown leaps and bounds in just a month. She started with two word sentences about 2 weeks ago and now she is on to three words. It is so amazing the things they can pick up on. Sophia loves to mimic her big sister. If Kailee says she wants string cheese, Sophia isn't far behind saying the exact same thing followed by "too". It is really cute. Read book too. Go walk too. Watch cartoon too (although she will not sit through one). I love it! This is one of my favorite ages -- their brains are such sponges. Everyday is a new adventure. I am so blessed to be able to take this adventure with my girls. I thank God everyday and pray the He will lead us to bring them up in the way He would see fit; that they would come to know Christ at an early age. I pray for God to intercede because I feel like I sometimes fall short and I know He will never disappoint. I will continue to praise God for his grace and never-ending love...and for loaning me these two amazing gifts -- they are my everything!

Wordless Wednesdays...

Insert Sophia standing on the counter...

Then imagine her standing in time out in her diaper (as you can see her pj's are on the counter to the left) crying "cold! cold!"

My newest endeavor...

I have been waiting to blog about my newest endeavor...Why? I don't really know. Better late than never, right?

For those of you who know me (really know me), you know that I have had a hard time with the whole "being a stay at home mom" thing. I never envisioned myself doing this. I thought I would go to college, get a job, get married, and... I, for the life of me, can't figure out why I never thought about where kids would fit into the picture. It's not really that I didn't envision myself having kids, I just never thought that far ahead, I guess.

I remember my mom once saying to me something along the lines of "you never really liked kids". At the time, I was shocked. I couldn't understand why she would think that. I still don't quite know but I have learned that she may have known something about me that I didn't quite know about myself. It's not that I don't/didn't like kids, it's just that after a while they start to drive me crazy...my own included. Now for those of you that are reading this and may be thinking "What? Did she just say that?" Trust me...this is what many moms (especially SAHM) think...they just don't express it because of what people would think.

To me, there is nothing wrong with saying that my kids sometimes make me feel like I'm going crazy and need to just "get away" for a while. Is it their fault? Of course not. They are only 2 and 3 years old...they are just being kids. It just so happens that they dirty LOTS of clothes, make incessant messes (after I JUST cleaned it 3x!!), and they whine and cry a lot. Who in their right mind wouldn't need a break from this -- on occasion?

...and, no, my newest endeavor is not torturing my children (though it has crossed my mind....I'm just kidding, I think). :-) hahahaha

I sometimes wonder what Seth really thinks of me -- I am the wife who can't keep the house clean, the laundry sits folded on top of furniture for days waiting for the laundry fairy to put it away (as it is right now -- Where is she???), I end some days realizing it has been 2 (or dare I say 3) days since I last showered, I handle the household finances and don't always do the best job of sticking to the budget, I don't fix my hair 1/2 the time, there isn't always food available for breakfast... hmmm...I'm a HORRIBLE stay at home mom.

The only thing I do right (most of the time) is the "mom" part. I LOVE my kids but it is really overwhelming to get everything done in one day. Oftentimes I find myself at the end of the day thinking "I didn't get ____________ (insert any number of things) done again today!". So...frequently, they come first. I take them to play dates, read them books, watch (referee) them play, bake cookies with them, paint with them, etc., etc. Those days when I focus on getting the list above done, my children get on my very last nerve. There really is not a nice way of saying it. The drive me bonkers! I sweep the floor only to return to find crumbs all over it. I fold the laundry only to have Sophia (or Kailee) unfold them to try to help me fold them. I sit down to work on the budget only to have them try to crawl in my lap (mostly Sophia here) and press the "home" button on the keyboard 100x. I find myself very impatient and short with them on these days...and, at the end of the day, I find myself frustrated with, well, myself.

I have always been an entrepreneur of sorts (well, at least my mind works this way). Now, I guess the correct terminology is "mompreneur" (seriously, I didn't come up with this on my own). I know it sounds crazy since I already have so much on my plate with taking care of my family and our household but I needed something to help me "get away". Something that I could do to help contribute while at the same time having some time away from my precious, darling, angel girls (insert sarcasm). So, I decided to try an MLM/Direct Sales route (Multi-level marketing).

I am one of the odd people in this world who loves sales! I worked in sales through college and loved meeting new people from all walks of life (though there were those few that I could have definitely gone without meeting). I loved closing the deal. I loved that my pay check was a direct indicator of how well/poorly I was doing -- instant gratification, of sorts. I was pretty good at it. I WAS NOT one of those schmoozy people that talked you into buying something. I am/was one of those people that sought out your needs and tailored what I had/have to those needs. I was/am nice and friendly. That goes a long way these days. In a time when customer service is horrible almost everywhere we go, people LOVE nice and friendly. I definitely do! I will go out of my way (and even spend a little more money) to go somewhere with good customer service and friendly employees.

All of this to say that I started selling Scentsy in September. I had a friend of mine (from my mom's group here in Monterey) ask me to host a party for her and I did (wanting to help her out) not even knowing what Scentsy was. I fell in love with the product. I love scented candles!! The great thing (or so I think) about Scentsy warmers is that they don't have a flame and the wax doesn't evaporate into the air. The three biggest sellers for me were the fact that the scents smell amazing, the wax doesn't get hot enough to burn the girls, and the wax is re-usable making it a lot less expensive than regular candles. The added bonus is that the warmers look nice!

Anyway, so after doing some research (for like 2 days- haha), I decided Scentsy was for me. YAY!

More about my work from home journey/entrepreneurial failures to come. Be sure to subscribe above to get future updates...

....and more stages.

Where was I? Oh yes, I had transitioned between a state of mind where I thought I wasn't deserving/thought I wouldn't achieve much in life to a state of mind where I realized that God had blessed me with an amazing husband and I was/am worth his love.

It's funny because even as I wrote that last sentence I cringed a little at how many people I know would think (do think/will think?) that sounds selfish, self-centered, and conceited. Why is it that some people think it is bad to love the person God has created you to be. There are many days when I don't feel worthy of God's love or trust (as in Him trusting me to take care of my girls and husband), but then I realize that's what's so amazing about God's grace; he loves us no matter what! I am so grateful!!

Sorry, I got off topic there a bit. So here I find myself in a loving, committed relationship, going to school, and working full time. Whew! It makes me tired just thinking about it. Looking back and really pondering on it, I don't see the next stage in my life as vividly as I did the first few. I guess the next stage came when Seth deployed to Iraq. I learned a lot about myself during this time! I have always thought of myself as a strong (and strong-willed, some would say stubborn -- sometimes to a fault) and independent person. Even as newlyweds Seth and I weren't that couple that had to be attached at the hip all of the time. We could walk into a room  and go our separate ways (this is where the aforementioned heart-melting looks from across the room come into play -- haha) and join back up later.

Through Seth's deployment I put on a facade of strength. What many peopl don't know is how many times I went home, sat on the floor and cried. They don't know how, when Seth's things arrived from Iraq the second week he was gone, I took out a shirt and sat on the floor crying while I held it to my face searching for any sign of him that would  make him feel closer. They don't know how I would wake up in a panic thinking that I might have missed a phone call from him.

When did I transition from a strong, independent girl to a dependent, mess of a woman on the middle of my living room floor? I can tell you when -- the week before he left. I knew how much I loved Seth but I would have never thought it would manifest itself in that way. The week before Seth left I couldn't even look at him with crying. What if he didn't come back to me? I couldn't possibly go on if he didn't...I couldn't imagine my life without him in it...not for one second.

Seth was leaving out of Ft. Bliss, TX so a couple days before he left we flew down to stay with his Aunt and Uncle in Plano, TX (a suberb outside of Dallas). It is funny how grief can strike at any minute...We were in the kitchen making tortilla chips and guacamole; Seth was standing on the other side of the kitchen and I just stood there and watched him laughing with his family. I couldn't help but think: What if this is the last time I see him smile? hear his laugh? feel his arms around me? his kiss on my lips? It was like one of those scenes in a movie where everything else kinda fades away and his movements were in slow motion. I wanted to savor every action. Every nod of his head. Every laugh that escaped his lips. I wanted more than anything for him to come over and tell me that everything was going to be ok and that he would come back to me. I wanted to yell at him for not coming over in that moment and reassuring me...but he had no idea what I was going through in that moment (and neither did anyone else). I held back the tears and excused myself before I had a  breakdown right there in front of his whole family...oh, don't worry -- this came a little later.

What had come of me??? Where was my strength?? Military families go through this everyday..."God? God? Are you there? Please, God, give me strength!! I can't do this without you...those were my thoughts in these weak moments." After Seth left (and, yes, I had a complete breakdown at the airport -- right in front of his aunt and uncle), I started a new stage of my life -- one completely dependent upon God to take care of me and my husband who was fighting for his life and the lives of others in a foreign country thousands of miles away...

Seth did come upstairs that night and put his arms around me. He tried to reassure me that everything was going to be ok...but he couldn't guarantee anything. Only God could do that...If only He would have, those 6 terrifying months would have been a lot easier. Seth and I then went back downstairs and talked with Seth's family for a while--on the outside it was as if nothing had happened (but I knew from that point on I would be changed forever). This time Seth would look across the room at me and give me a reassuring wink. All I could think was "Please God take care of him. Protect him. Surround him with 1000 angels. We need you now..."

Some stages in life are good. Did I like this short-lived "I'm going crazy with grief and depression" stage? No. Did I learn from it? Yes. Did it draw me closer to Seth? Yes. What about the stage that was coming? The one where I had to rely wholly on God? This stage was very difficult and simultaneously gratifying.

If you want to read more about the next stage of my life, be sure to "follow" me by RSS feed or email at the top of the page...

Stages...

There are distinct stages in every person's life. A person can define their life by age, career status, religious status, mental status, etc, etc... Each of these categories means something different to everyone. My genre of status changed once I met Seth. When I met Seth I was a "college student" and "retail sales associate" -- basically, I defined who I was by my career (or college status).

When I met Seth, things changed; suddenly I was a married woman...and not only was I married to an amazing man, but I was married to an Army officer! To me, this didn't mean much. Seth was, well, Seth. I loved his sarcastic humor (ask me how much I like it after 7 years...haha), quick wit, love of fitness, the way he could look at me from across a room and make my heart melt (and he can still do this). I thought of the Army as his job...just like my job was to sell tv's, computers, and phones at Sears. My job didn't define me; it was just a job. So, when I met Seth, I didn't think of all of the "things" that would eventually come along with being an Army wife, an officer's wife...it didn't take long for that to rectify itself.

So, at this point in my life I went from being a college student & sales associate to being a wife. It's crazy how that happens. I still attended classes and went to work but when I described myself, my description sounded more like "I enjoy hanging out with my husband and hiking/camping" instead of "I enjoy going to dance clubs (although I don't drink -- except water, of course) and staying out til all hours of the night". My stage in life had officially changed. I was growing up...learning who I was: as a wife, friend, and Christian. My focus changed and now I had to learn to live with another person; someone to hold me accountable for my actions, someone to make me a better person...hmmm...Although this transition didn't come all at once, it did seem to happen pretty quickly.

Now that I was an Army wife I apparently had a few things to learn. First on the list: what/where West Point was. Seriously? Now that my life was starting to change and it would come out that Seth was/is in the Army, I received a lot of different reactions. Seth, at the time, was working on his Master's at U of L (GO CARDS!) so people naturally would ask where he went to college. When my response was West Point, you would think that he went to Harvard or Yale by the looks on people's faces...The first time this happened I was a little surprised --"What's the big deal?" I had no idea what/where West Point even was. hahaha. So, I married someone that not only was a soldier, an officer, but he also went to a very well-known (give me credit, I was raised in a small town) University. Wow! I have a lot to live up to.

I am sure at this point, I probably thought (on more than one occasion): "Why in the world did Seth marry a girl like me? I can hardly speak properly (and he let me know several times a day), I was raised in a small town. Why me?" This was a huge emotional switch for me. I had always believed (not because someone told me but just because I assumed so...) that I would grow up and marry a small-town guy, and I would, no doubt, have a so-so (if not, horrible) marriage and, if I was lucky, no children. I didn't always believe the latter -- only while in college. It's not that I didn't like children, it's just that while in college I was in a horrible relationship and the last thing I wanted was to subject children to something like that.

My mom has been re-married several times, and although I know that we all live our lives differently, I subscribe to the notion that "once married, always married" (unless, of course, he is unfaithful). So, at this point, to transition my frame-of-mind to being in a committed relationship to a very loving, faithful, God-serving man that makes me want to be a better person (in every sense of the phrase) from the aforementioned frame-of-mind was somewhat of a shock...again, this transition came about slowly and there are time when I am still learning to adjust. The baggage seems to always remain, I just have to choose (sometimes once every few months, sometimes weekly, sometimes multiple times a day) to be a better person -- the person God has designed me to be.

(*more to come*)

A blogging conundrum of sorts...

I am finding that the worst part about blogging isn't having something to blog about but rather finding the time to actually blog about them. For example, a couple weeks ago (Not hours, not days, but weeks!) I was walking to church (I attended a praise and worship service at another church before going to our regular service before church) and it was so peaceful (it is never peaceful around my house...). I started paying attention to the sounds and smells, what people were doing, how the wind was blowing, how peaceful it was... I thought, I really want to go home and blog about this walk -- it was such an amazing and insightful walk -- but instead I went to church, came home, heading to church (again...), and then forgot to blog. Since that day I have probably done that a dozen times. I have these really insightful moments and I want to type them out (somehow it gives me clarity and, hopefully, it sometimes does for others too) but just never get around to it. So, here I am blogging about nothing instead. Ugh! It is so frustrating.

I know I have said this in the past but I will say it again -- I am going to work on blogging more regularly...and about fruitful, insightful topics. :0) I am sure that some people wonder why...why does it matter if you blog everyday? Well, it helps me keep my thoughts together. It is, somehow, cathartic for me. When I blog I feel like I was able to really express myself (and who cares if the whole world can read it...). It seems like life gets so busy and I am home with the girls all day so sometimes I don't have someone to talk to (a 3 1/2 & 2 year old don't count!). Blogging allows me to say the things I want to say and if someone reads it (and comments...), fine, if not, that is fine too. haha It is a soliloquy, of sorts.

So...for now, I am off because my dear, youngest child is out of her bed AGAIN! (deep breeaths...) and I have to go assert my scrawny authority. :0) Wish me luck!

Naptime Drama!

"Llama Llama Red Pajama reads a story with his mamma. Mamma kisses baby's hair. Mamma Llama goes down stairs..." and that is definitely not the end. Seriously? Why do children NOT go to bed when they are told? About a month ago Sophia started climbing out of her crib...I knew at that moment that I would never get a moment's peace again. Her crib was my refuge...When I needed to "get away", she would go in her crib and I would have peace and quiet (except, of course, when Kailee calls from "quiet time", "Mom, can I get up yet?").

Does anyone's children (ages 2+) go to sleep when they are supposed to actually go to sleep? I'm am going to conduct a poll. Be sure to vote. :) If you are in the amazing category of "my child is a perfect angel who listens to everything I say, especially bed time", please, please, comment with what you did/do to make this happen...

I have tried swatting the leg, threatening, bribery, etc, etc...

...and there was one.

I had an amazing weekend. (How's that for a good start?) Seth's friend, John, got married yesterday in Dallas so Seth and Kailee went to the wedding leaving me and Sophia here to hang out. I forgot out easy it is to have only one child at a time -- no fighting and no screaming. One thing I did realize is that it is a lot more work but it can be more rewarding (in an easier sense) when you only have one child with you. I know that may seem weird so let me clarify. When both girls are here, it is easier for me to get caught up in what is going on in my day. I tend to think that the girls can just play with each other while I do the things I need (err...want) to do. For instance, I might sit down to check my email and then before I know it I have been on the computer for an hour with Kailee and Sophia coming in and me telling them to "go play". I know this sounds harsh but it happens...a lot more than I would like to admit to. :( This weekend, while Sophia was the only one here, I found myself realizing that she couldn't very well go play with herself when she's used to having Kailee here (and she is only 2 -- YAY! -- as of today). So, I would turn away from my menial task and go play with her. It was so rewarding! I

It was also really sad. Kailee has never been away from me for more than a couple hours (except once when she stayed with Grandma while Seth and I went to KC for a night). During the day while Seth was in school, I started to panic. What if something happened? Did Kailee understand how much I love her?? How could I let her know? I am sure she was so tired of me picking her up, with tear-filled eyes, and telling her how much I love her...and making her tell and re-tell me my cell phone number and her mommy's and daddy's names. :)

Later that night when Kailee called me, ecstatic that they were staying in a hotel room, I got teary-eyed again. My baby is growing up! How/when did this happen? I have always said that I look forward to this age and now that it is here I am sad about it. Will I ever get to the point that I want another child...? I don't like the sleepless nights or the effects that pregnancy has on my body but I love my girls so much that it literally hurts sometimes. I know I would love another child just as much...hmmm...we shall see.

Back to my amazing weekend: Sophia has never had me alone for more than an hour or two at a time (and usually she is napping when that happens). She laughed a lot this weekend! I LOVE hearing my children genuinely laugh. It is the highlight of my day -- when their faces light up with laughter. It takes my breath away -- literally.

On Saturday, we hung out with some friends and it was so nice. Allison & Cory are a couple in town that have a lot of the same beliefs that we have...and Allison and I get along great. Unfortunately our children do not. haha. Allison's son, Steven, terrorizes Sophia. He is constantly pulling her hair, yanking her to the ground, etc...He is only a year old (just turned last month) but he is almost 3 ft. tall. Both of his parents are over 6'. Imagine this boy, almost as tall as Sophia, that doesn't quite understand that he shouldn't do these things. It was a trying day for Sophia yesterday (at least for an hour or so). Allison and Cory did a great job correcting Steven and finally at the end of the day, he actually came up and hugged Sophia -- though she was scared out of her wits when he came up to her with his arms out. hahaha. They will get used to each other. :)

Today was a big day! Sophia turned 2!!! When Kailee turned two she got a "big girl bed" and so we carried the tradition on with Sophia. Today she transitioned out of her crib and into a toddler bed that matches Kailee's. She has been climbing out of her crib constantly. I took pictures last night of her last night in the crib. :( It is sad, in a way. She is 2 and Kailee is 3 3/4 (haha...I know). Before I know it they are going to be going to college and getting married with children of their own.

Kailee tells me almost every day that she wants to be an astronaut, an entrepreneur ("like my mommy" -- haha), and a mommy. I just tell her she can do anything she sets her mind to. Let her dream big!! It takes big dreams to accomplish big actions.

So, Kailee & Seth got back from TX today and, while the girls napped for over 2 hours (Woo Hoo!), I went out to get a couple things for Sophia's birthday while Seth relaxed a little. These hectic weekends send him to the brink of insanity. He is definitely different than I am in that way. I could go, go, go all the time but Seth needs down time. That being said, I decided not to have the girls' friends over like I had originally planned and we made it a small family affair. I have to admit that it was kinda nice just being together with my family and watching the girls have so much fun opening presents and singing "Happy Birthday". I love my family. I love my life. God has been so good to me. I feel so undeserving...

So, I got Kailee a couple small things too so she didn't feel left out (and so I don't have to hear them fighting over Sophia's new toys for weeks on end -- selfish, I know). They both got a new baby doll, Sophia got a new doll stroller (they already have one), Kailee and Sophia both got a new book. Kailee's book is a Bible Study for Toddlers -- it is really simple and I am going to start reading it to her (them) in the mornings. Sophia's book is called "Tickle Monster" and it is really cute. Sophia also got a new outfit and a pair of shoes. We like to keep it simple. Not to mention, she got her bed. I am listening to the girls in their rooms right now talking incessantly. Their beds are side-by-side so I think they are really enjoying "catching up" from this weekend. :) I will post pictures later.

After this weekend, I realize that I need to spend more "quality time" with my girls. I knew this before and I have been really cutting back on play dates and such in order to accomplish this. One would thing that since I am a SAHM, I would be spending tons of quality time with the girls...I have learned there is a large difference between quality time and the quantity of time. When we go to play dates (and we were going 5 days/week), I tell the girls to go play and I talk to the other moms there. I don't really spend any quality time with the girls. :( I'm not sure how this works out...but I am working on correcting it.

I pray daily for patience...and lots of it. I find myself, oftentimes, getting very snappy and cranking toward the girls. I have this list of things I want to get done in one day and sometimes I need to just throw the list out the window and enjoy them...they will not always be this small and, before I know it, they will be in school all day. Part of me wants to rejoice at this and the other part of me wants to cry.

On that note, I am going to go in and tell them good night one more time...and remind them of my love for them. I am so glad that God had such amazing plans for my life. :)

Relief...

Today was a good day. :) I wasn't so sure it was going to be when I woke up to the sound of the girls at 6:30 this morning (AGAIN!). Dastardly time change! This is the first time it has ever really effected Kailee -- actually, maybe it hasn't really effected Kailee; maybe Sophia waking up early is effecting Kailee. Ugh. Either way...I don't d0 mornings. To make it all worse, we had to be at the track at 9 this morning to do intervals, plyometrics, and squats. It is a good thing I had people relying on me to be there or else I definitely would not have worked out today. All of that to say that I am glad I worked out (after the fact)...

The girls and I came home and they played, without fighting, for almost an hour!! It seems these days the girls fight over everything! Seriously...It's crazy! I was able to FINALLY get through two inboxes of emails that have been piling up on me. It is one of my biggest pet peaves to have more than a few (3-5) email in my inbox at any given time -- today I had over 40! ...and that didn't include my Scentsy inbox. YAY!

The guy came to fix the shower. The mold issue was getting completely out of hand! Even if I cleaned the shower everyday (and I most certainly did not), there was no way to keep the mold from taking over. YUCK! He had to use a wire brush to remove the existing mold...ewwww... I'm glad its gone. While he was here I was actually able to clean my house while the girls took a bath. Yes folks, they like to take loonnnggg baths; the type of bath where the water turns freezing cold and their lips turn blue -- and I still have to drag Kailee out. Oftentimes I result to bribery (did I just say that outloud?).

The icing on the cake -- I had someone watch the girls for a couple hours tonight so I could go to an OSSC meeting (my first one!). It was really nice. There were about 40 other women there (all officer's wives) and we talked about decorating -- YAY! I love my children and I love to talk about them but enough is enough already. :) It was so nice to get out and talk about something other than baby poop and play dates. I feel so refreshed.

Now I am off to get a good night's rest. I stayed up way too late last night.

Sorry for boring you guys to tears...I promise a more insightful email when my mind isn't so foggy from sleep deprivation.

It's Halloween!

Today is Halloween! YAY! I am so excited. Kailee is now at the age (going on 4) where she is also excited about saying "Trick or Treat" and "getting treats" from people.

Sophia's costume was a piece of cake -- I inadvertently found it while shopping around one of my favorite stores (Marshall's). She is the world's cutest ladybug. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE all of the tulle! Results are in -- She is just the cutest ladybug you have ever seen??

Kailee, on the other hand, is at the age where she knows what she wants to be. So, a month or so ago I asked her what she wanted to be for Halloween and this is how the conversation proceeded to happen:



Kailee: "I want to be a scary monster." pause "I don't care if I scare Sophia."
Me: "That's not very nice. You don't want to scare your sister."
Kailee: "Well, OK. I just want to be a nice monster."

She is growing up so quickly!

I soon realized that I'm not very creative and I didn't have a clue where I could find an age-appropriate, non-scary monster costume for a 3 1/2 year old. hmmm...So, I did what most mothers would do. I convinced her that she wanted to be something else. :) Her next suggestions was "I wanna be a pirate! AARRRGGGHHH!" I love my 3 year old.

Now, this I could do. I checked local costume shops and looked online. I couldn't believe that most of the pirate costumes for 3 year olds were laden with skulls & crossbones. Seriously? That DEFINITELY isn't age-appropriate -- or appropriate at all, in my opinions. After scouring the internet, I FINALLY found one. It is actually a buccaneer costume and it was so cute.

The results are in -- I have the cutest kids in the world! I have been so blessed...and I cannot wait to trick-or-treat with them in just a couple hours!

One of THOSE days...

Wow! Has it ever been a long day? I am asking myself, once again, why I am still up. Sheesh...

The day started off great! My friend, Catherine, called me to ask if I wanted to drive up to the outlet mall with her in Gilroy. I have put our family on a VERY STRICT budget for the next few weeks but I thought it would be fun to go up and hang out for a while. The girls were great, I had a nice time chatting with Catherine, and we got to eat at In & Out Burger!! Woo Hoo! I had never had their food and it was amazing! I definitely recommend you go there sometime if you get the opportunity. You can find their "location finder" here.

Again, let me stress how good the girls were today. We had a great time...We got home and I put Sophia down for a nap (she only slept about 30 minutes in the car) and Kailee and I started to lay down together. Then I realized that Seth had a meeting at 4:00 (Catherine had told me about this in passing -- her husband and Seth are in the same company at DLI) and I didn't get the usual call from Seth requesting a ride from one side of post to the others o I decided to call him. It was 8 minutes til 4 and his response was "Oh crap!" Great! He had forgotten about his meeting. I rush out to the car, put in the car seats (I rode with Catherine to Gilroy this morning), get the girls back up and head out the door. Whew!

We pick up Seth and drop him off on the other side of post making him only about 10 minutes late instead of 30 or 40 minutes late. Now, I was determined to get the girls down for a nap and maybe sneak in a little shut-eye myself; only to realize that it just wasn't in the cards today. Sophia (who usually sleeps REALLY well) just wouldn't go to sleep, she kept crying. Ugh. So, after about 20 minutes of listening to her cry I decided to go ahead to Wal-mart to try to return a few things and to Marshall's to see if they have the costume Kailee wants for Halloween. It went straight down hill from here!

Let's just say that we never made it in Marshall's, they wouldn't take my broken merchandise back at Wal-mart (who knew Wal-mart had a 90 day return policy-- I guess I'll be sticking with Target after all), and Kailee about drove me over the edge! It was insane. She just wouldn't listen! I don't know what got into her! I swear she was taken over...it was a BATTLE even getting back home. Thank God Seth decided not to stay late tonight (like he usually does on Wednesdays) or else I may have lost my mind! Ok, so, not really but I sure felt like it!

By the end of the night I felt like I was going to pull my hair out. Seth had a little studying to do so I went to Seattle's Best and got a hot chocolate (THE BEST IN THE WORLD!!) and proceeded to Marshall's and Target to look for Kailee's Halloween costume. It is amazing how hard it is to find a pirate costume for a 3 year old that doesn't have skulls and crossbones all over it. I never did find a costume but I had a nice relaxing time out.

As I went in a few minutes ago to check on the girls, I felt this overpowering wave of guilt come over me. I spent so much time "yelling" at Kailee and punishing her the last 1/2 of the day; and I was so upset at her...What is wrong with me?? She is my baby girl!? I knelt beside her bed tonight as she slept and I ran my fingers through her hair telling her "I'm sorry" all the while praying for God to give me patience and a gentle reminder that these girls are only on "loan" to me. He has entrusted them into my care and I need to cherish that. Does that mean that Kailee will not be disciplined any more? No, definitely not! But it does mean that I am going to try to look at her rock instead of the computer screen when she asks (even though I have already seen it 1/2 dozen times!), I will read Sophia the book she has been toting around asking me to read (in her own special "I can only say two words at a time" way) to her instead of folding the laundry, errr...I mean sweeping the floors. (the same laundry has been on the back of the couch for 2 days. Whoops!) I love my girls. They are my life! I need to remember to slow down and enjoy them -- not see them as a burden or a headache. I don' t do this enough!

So, I have learned my lesson for this day and I REALLY am holding back the urge to pick Kailee up (my little girl who is growing so quickly) and rock her for a while...Remember that a day isn't something to get through, it is something to be LIVED!

Good night world! I will continue to pray that tomorrow will be better. I am not perfect but I can definitely be a good mother to my children -- with the help and love of Christ.

Growing Up Girls

I just can't believe how long it has been since I last posted a blog!! Time really gets away from me sometimes. It's crazy!

Things are going really well around here. Seth is still taking Farsi classes at DLI. I can't believe how much he studies and how much he knows!! He took the practice DLPT (military language exam) today and Monday; he doesn't feel very good about the "listening" portion of the exam. I am really praying he did well. He studies so hard and puts everything into this -- it would be great to see him get some sort of validation from all of it.

Sophia turns 2 next month!!! It's crazy. Every day it is something new with her. She is definitely coming into the "terrible 2's", that's for sure. Just today I put her in my bed for a nap (since my room was cooler) and she started banging on the bedroom door (she can't quite get the hang of opening the doors). When I went in to check on her she handed me a 1/2 open container of deodorant. Ewwww....I took the top of the rest of the way to see teeth marks in the top. YUCK! Upon further inspection, there was deodorant caked on her pacifier. When I asked her if she had eaten any she started making a horrible face and opening her mouth -- her tongue was white and pasty. Really?? Of course, I cleaned her up, tossed the bed sheets in the washer, had her drink a cup full of water (which she was happy to do...), and put her back to bed. Whew. Another day in the life of the mother of a (almost) 2 year old. She is also starting to climb out of her crib! I guess she watched Kailee climb in and out of it (to play with Sophia in the mornings before mommy rolls out of bed) and decided to try it herself. Imagine our surprise when, on Saturday morning, Sophia came strolling into our room with her blanket and "pac". hahaha. Gone are my days of laying in bed for an additional 1/2 hour while Kailee and Sophia play in the crib. :(

They are growing up so quickly.

I looked at Kailee the other day, really looked at her, and I couldn't believe what I saw - my toddler was not a toddler any more. On one hand it makes me happy -- more freedom for us as a family to do things together-- but on the other hand I was/am sad. Where has the time gone!!?? Kailee is so tall. We have been marking her height on the side of the refrigerator (very civil, I know) and she has grown every time we mark it (every couple of weeks). Her little round belly is gone and has been replaced with the scrawny little girl that is so sure of herself most of the time. Then you have those times when she just wants to cling to her mommy and daddy. She has gotten into the habit lately of, when she gets in trouble, repeatedly saying over and over: "I WAAANNNTTTT DDAAADDDDYYYYY!!!" I guess "saying" isn't quite appropriate; it is more like "wailing". I wonder what would happen if I decided to do it back to her? Maybe I'll give it a try next time. :) I'll be sure to post the results.

Sometimes I just can't believe how much God has blessed me and my life. What did I do to deserve such an amazing family, a roof over my head, food, etc? I will praise Him all the days of my life!

I will go for now. There is so much I want to say but it is already getting late. I am going to try to post more tomorrow -- get everyone caught up on what is going on in the Middleton household. :)

Until then...

Whew...I'm glad that's over!

Was it ever hectic today! I almost missed both of my flights (from San Jose and my layover) but all is well and I made it. It seems that every time I travel with the girls I learn something new about how to do things. This time I decided I was going to check all of my bags (including my stroller and Kailee's car seat). Kailee is big enough now to ride on the seat in the airplane by herself (hallelujah!). The girls both have toddler-sized backpacks on wheels (Dora and Diego, of course)...they both pulled these through the airport on their own. The bags were loaded down with snacks, toys, and a portable DVD player (as a backup plan). Both girls were wearing footed pajamas, pulling their backpacks behind them...each also wearing "harnesses" (or what I refer to as glorified "leashes"). I was carrying the car seat (for Sophia to sit in), my purse, and a "diaper bag" containing all of the last minute miscellaneous stuff that didn't fit anywhere else.



Let me just say that on the return trip I will check both car seats and all luggage. I will just say a lot of prayers that Sophia will actually sit in her seat the whole time without making too much of a disturbance. That car seat got heavy!! I needed to pick Sophia up and run a couple times but couldn't because of the seat. I also don't think I will bring a purse. I am pretty sure I can fit all of my "stuff" in one of the girls' bags. :)

Anyway...we made it safely to find out that my friend, Christina, had a beautiful, healthy 9 lb 4 oz baby girl today! YAY! She just had to come AFTER I left. haha. I guess I will just have to wait a couple weeks to see her.

Now I am sitting in the dark and both girls are still up. They had a looonnnggg day. We got them up at 4 a.m. and all though they took naps, they weren't very long, and they are wired. They are both laying on the floor beside my bed on an air mattress. Kailee insisted that she wanted to lay with Sophia. They keep giggling and laughing at one another and I feel like my mother saying "girls! Stop it and go to sleep. " haha. I feel old!

It is hot here. It is supposed to be in the 90's tomorrow. Ugh. Wish me luck with the handling of the heat and humidity; Monterey has spoiled me.

I'm off to sleep in hopes that the girls will decide that they, too, would like to do the same sometime before 1 a.m.

Thanks for all of the "safe/low stress travel" prayers!

Big trip to KS

The girls and I are headed to KS for 10 days starting this coming Sunday. I'm not really worried about the traveling this time around (like I have been in the past) but more so the time change/jet lag for the girls. Do I let them stay up until 9 p.m. KS time in order to stay on track? Do I put them to bed at the regular time of 7:30? How many days will it take to adjust? I'm guessing we will do what we always do and just play it by ear. This is definitely one of those times I am glad I am not the type of person who keeps the girls on a regular "schedule".

I have almost all of the laundry done and now I just have to figure out how to get this stroller into it's travel bag. I don't understand how a company can get the design of a stroller pretty spot on but can't make the bag just a tad bit larger to fit the stroller easier. I have been putting this off for several days -- I find that as soon as I start to try to get the stroller in the silly bag the girls decide it is time to crawl all over me and cry...really? I have zero patience some days.

It is kinda sad that I am blogging/complaining about my stroller not fitting in a bag. This world has so many bad things going on and this is what I have to complain about. God is so good. He has blessed me beyond measure. I'm just gonna shut up and go to bed now...thankful for the amazing life I have been blessed with.

Finding joy and appreciation in/for the unexpected intercessor(s)

Throughout my life I have learned that there are many different types of people in this world. I have heard the saying "It takes all kinds..." more times than I can begin to recall. I truly think that as we grow into ourselves (the selves that God ultimately would have us become and realize we are), we outgrow friends. I believe that there are three types of friends: 1) friends that are brought into our lives for a short time and teach us something about ourselves, 2) Life long friends that totally "get" you and understand that you develop and change throughout life and they continue to appreciate you for who you are and what you can bring to one anothers' lives. This second set of friends are the ones you can sit in the same room with and not say a word but leave feeling fulfilled and 3) A friend that is unlike you in so many ways that it just seems like the friendship could never work to the outsider, yet when you talk to or hang out with that person somehow it just works.

In my lifetime I have had a lot of friends that fall into the first category. These are the friends you might work with for a couple years, you hang out with, and then when you (or the other person) leaves their job, you move on; most of the time, better (or more well-rounded) for knowing the person. I have also found that I have a lot of friends in this category that I never thought would be in this category while I was actually in the friendship; most of my high school friends fall into this category. People change.

(*WARNING: I am about to rant for just a second*)
There is nothing that drives me more crazy than when someone doesn't just appreciate the friendship for what it was and accept that sometimes people change...and just because they change doesn't mean that they think they are "better than you" or "above you" it just means that they are a different person. I think change is healthy. I am the same person that I was in high school and yet I am not. My personality is the same but my views on life are quite a bit different. ENJOY PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE--NOT WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE.

(*Stepping off my soap box*)

I, also, have had (and still have) the privilege of having the second type of friend. Actually, I can say I have 3 VERY CLOSE friends...I guess some call them "best friends". Amazingly, my three best friends (I love you guys!) are all very different people -- different from each other and, in a lot of ways, different from myself. But these are definitely the women I know I can turn to for anything...at any time.

...and then there are the third type of friends. These are the types of friends that actually prompted the writing of this email. In my experience, the friendship is so unlikely and then you actually sit down and talk to this person and you find that on some level you really "click". I do think this third type of friend can (and will), more than likely, also fall into one of the aforementioned categories.

I was on the phone with my SIL the other day and for some reason it just dawned on me that we are so different and yet we really enjoy one another's company (or at least, I enjoy hers -- haha). It is a lot of fun hanging out with her. There are a lot of ways that we are different but the biggest difference is our view of religion and politics (the two big ones!). I am a Christian and she is atheist (I think). :) I am pretty conservative and she is pretty liberal. The more I think of our differences, the more I am amazed we can even be in the same room with one another. haha. And yet, she has come to visit me on more than one occasion (even flying all the way across the country to visit in NC once).

So, how does this third type of friendship happen? Who knows. I think they should just be appreciated for what they are. My SIL has completely different religious views than myself. Many Christians would say this is a bad thing. That I shouldn't intermingle with someone with different beliefs than myself. I have to disagree. Although she does not agree with me on this level, she has taught me to see other people's viewpoints and take them for what they are...Do we always have to agree with one another? Of course not. Do I wish she were a Christian? Of course I do. I would be lying if I said I didn't. Do I push my religious beliefs on her? No. If she decides to believe in Jesus as the sacrificial Savior and God as the omnipotent "being" that he is (I am sure she might think "what if God is a 'she'?" here - haha) then that is up to her...it is not my place to make her uncomfortable and it is not my place to judge. There is only one Judge and it most certainly isn't me.

I guess that is partially what it boils down to. The main thing we both have in common is the fact that we aren't judgemental.

You know, I just don't know. I think that somewhere deep down, you just have a "connection" with a person/people that is natural. I believe that God does this for a reason. Do I think he sent my SIL my way?...of course I do...and I will continue to thank him for this unexpected intercessor in my life. :)

(*sidenote) As I was looking for a picture for this blog it dawned on me that the third types of friendship are like the lion and the lamp. ;)


FYI: I started this email a week or two ago and am just now sitting down to finish it. This has taught me something -- ALWAYS finish your thoughts before stopping because my point has been diminished someone because my thought process has been thrown off track. Sheesh...I was on a roll...that is what I get for stopping 1/2 way through -- I forgot 1/2 the things I wanted to say.

Money saving ideas...can be complicated but it doesn't have to bed...

So, I have been asked several times this week how I find such good deals and/or how I save money when shopping online. I thought I would share a couple of my secrets. ;)

First, before I buy anything (and oftentimes I am not even buying anything but want to see what sort of deals are posted for the day, I visit [url=slickdeals.net]THIS[/url] site. The site takes a little getting used to. The front page are the headlined "super hot" deals for the day (and the past few days). The moderators decide what go on this page. If there is something in particular you are looking for a good deal on, just go to the search engine at the top right side of the page and type what you are looking for in the search box. The listings pop up in order of most recent posting. This is my go-to site for everything before buying. Not only can I find info on sales but there are also places on the site to search for freebies, coupons, etc. There is even a place to just chat or to start a thread asking for someone to help you find a good deal on something. I don't usually use a lot of the features of the site but if you just look around, you can find some pretty interesting stuff.

Daily I do a search for children, childrens, baby, and stroller. ;) Some days nothing pops up and some days great deals like the P&T and Baby Jogger pop up. YAY!!

Another site I use is [url=www.bigcrumbs.com]Bigcrumbs.com[/url]. This is a cash back site that is attached to your Paypal account. I have been using this for about a year (or more) now and I love it. The cash back isn't always a ton depending on the company. You can even get cash back on eBay. It is a percentage of the seller's fees. :) To me, pennies add up.

There is a whole other side to Big Crumbs that might appeal to some and may not appeal to others. It is actually a reputable site (backed by the Better Business Bureau -- or else I would have never tried it) to make money, not just save money. It is like one of those pyramid deals where when I make money, you make money...except that it is really legitimate. I started using this while I was running my eBay business to generate a little extra income. I would give people the website and my referral name and when they bought something later, whether it was from eBay or any other website, I got cash back for their purchases too. WOO HOO!

So, if you decide to use Big Crumbs, when you first sign up for your account you have to decide if you want to be a “crumb earner” or a “crumb saver”. Once you decide, you can’t change it. If you are a crumb earner, you get a high cash back percentage from other peoples’ purchases and less cash back from your own purchases. If you are a crumb saver, it is the other way around. The crumb saver status is designed for people who do more shopping for themselves, the crumb earner status is more for people who are going to try to spread the word and make money from other peoples’ purchases. This is what I did and sometimes (especially now that I am not running the eBay deal anymore) I kick myself for it.

Big Crumbs has 100’s of stores to get cash back from…including the normal ones: Target, Walmart, etc…

Anyway…if you have any questions about Big Crumbs, let me know and I will try to help.

If you do sign up, please add me as your “referrer” at the bottom of the sign up page: mrsmarycandice . This way, every time you buy something, I make a few cents too. ;) Don’t worry, it doesn’t show me what you are buying, just that I made a few cents. Woo Hoo!!

All of this to say -- when I start shopping for something, I always start at these two sites.

P.S. One of the best deals I have gotten on Big Crumbs is through Letstalk.com (linking through Big Crumbs). If can get as much as $67.50 back!! YEAH!!!

There is one more website and it, too, is tied to your Paypal account. Basically, Microsoft paired up with a search engine company, Live.com, and started paying people if they went to live.com to search (instead of say, Yahoo) and then purchased something from a site like eBay. At one point, the live.com cash back amount for eBay Buy-It-Now purchases was around 35-40%!! Right now it is only 8% but I think it will probably go up again. In order to take advantage of the 8% cash back through live.com (now called Bing.com -- they just sold out to Bing), just go to Bing.com and in the upper right corner of the page, click “extras, your cash back account”. On the next page, click “sign up”. IF YOU ALREADY HAVE A HOTMAIL ACCT, YOU DON’T HAVE TO SIGN UP, ONLY SIGN IN. You will have to create a live.com/hotmail account. (It is soo worth it). Once you jump through all of the hoops of setting up an acct (or not), it should direct you to attach this to your Paypal account.

After doing this, go back to Bing.com and click “extras, your cash back acct” again. Now that you already have an acct, just sign in. This page shows all of your pending cash back purchases (sometimes it takes 60 days for the cash back to clear and others it takes 24 hours). On the left side of the page click “shopping”. Scroll down about ½ way and click “see all stores”. This will give you a list of stores and how much cash back you get for shopping at that particular store.

On Bing, eBay does not show up under the listed “stores”. You have to access it in sort of a strange way (and, yes, I have done this -- haha). For cash back on eBay purchases through Bing.com (This is almost always better than Big Crumbs), go to Bing.com and in the search box, type in “Wii”. (Don’t ask). The first thing that pops up will be a link to eBay. It will have a little gold coin beside it saying you can get 8% cashback with paypal if eligible. If you link your Bing.com acct to your Paypal acct (see above) you are eligible. Click this link. This will take you to eBay with search results for the Nintendo Wii showing. From here, just do your search the normal way and when you click the button to make your purchase (IT HAS TO BE A BUY-IT-NOW ITEM), you will see a spot on the next page (confirmation) that shows the amount of cash back you will receive. Again, right now eBay is 8% but it does go up…


I will usually compare Big Crumbs and Bing.com to see who has the better cash back. It fluctuates with both (more so with bing.com).


I KNOW THIS SEEMS LIKE A LOT TO TAKE IT BUT IT REALLY ISN’T THAT BAD. J Let me know if you guys don’t understand or just don’t care…It will not bother me at all. Hashanah

Good luck shopping.

Two boxes...I choose neither -- I choose God.

A few days ago I left myself a "note" on my blog to write about something that often comes to my attention as a mother. The toll society takes on us...

I should forewarn my readers that I am pretty much just going to ramble where my thoughts take me as I write this. There will, more than likely, not be much "flow" and continuity.

Since I became a mother my circle of friends has changed drastically. During 4.5 years of college, I worked in retail sales so that I could afford to pay rent, buy clothes, etc. In the sales field, there are many more men than women. On top of being surrounded by guys at work, I tended to migrate toward guys in class too. Women, especially in college, tended to be too catty for my taste. All of this being said, all of my friends (or almost all) in college were guys. Even after I got married, I kept many of the same friends (adding my husband to the top of the list, of course).

I got pregnant the month I graduated from college and continued to work in sales during this time. In December 2005, we moved to NC and this is when my circle/type of friends changed. I met a lot of my neighbors and started developing friendships there. I also joined a mommy's group and a "new mommies" Bible study. I didn't intentionally do these things to hang out with women, but because it just so happened that they had kids and I needed interaction with other people with children. It can really be lonely after having a new baby and moving to a new city all within a couple months. The mommies group that I joined was just what I thought a group of women getting together would be -- catty. I met a couple amazing women in the Mommies Bible study, one of these people soon became one of my best friends in the whole world! It was at this point, meeting Erin and the ladies from my neighborhood when I realized that I really NEEDED interaction with these women. It gave me a chance to talk about the things that other guys (especially those without children) just couldn't understand...Erin also became my Christian soundboard. She was the one I went to for Godly advice and friendship.

I have moved twice since leaving NC (gotta love the Army). Speaking of the Army (I warned you that I would ramble!!), that is another reason that the friendship of women, especially those with children, became so important. This is the reason I loved my neighbors so much. We were all in the same boat. Our husbands' deployed and we were left there with one another. I NEEDED those evening walks with the ladies even if we just complained to one another and ate baked treats. :) (on a side note, although I am loving my life right now, I really miss those times even still).

Since leaving NC, I have lived in KS and Monterey, CA. In both places, I just had this ache to meet other women in the same life circumstances as myself. In KS, it wasn't so easy. I joined a mommies group that was very "cliquey" and left after only a couple months. Right before I left KS, I met a woman that seemed to be a lot like myself and joined the group she was a part of. I really enjoyed it but was only there for a few short months before moving to Monterey. In Monterey, I joined a group and felt instantly connected. I love it!

Ok...so there is a reason for all of the background information. I have been surrounded by mommies (of one form or another) since Kailee was born. In this time (just over 3 years), I have, over and over, heard comments from these women about the way they do things and how they sometimes feel bad about them. Sometimes these things aren't said, but they are definitely implied.

For example, I have known (and still know) several moms who had a hard time nursing (breast feeding) their children and so they decided not to do it or they tried and it just didn't work. I can't count the number of times I could actually feel the "shame" (I'm not sure if that is the best word for this situation, but it is the closest thing I can come up with) that they were feeling. What causes this? I actually heard myself tell someone the other day (another Christian mom) that I sometimes feel bad/guilty because I don't want to have more children. First off, anyone who knows me knows that I tend to just say what I think about myself (I tend to not do this so much about others unless I know them very well)...I wear my heart on my sleeve; I am an emotional person -- definitely not rational in most situations (this is one of the reasons I married Seth; he is my rational half). Secondly, I am not usually the type of person to say something to elicit a reaction/comments out of someone. I tend to be pretty blunt about my feelings (as long as it isn't at the expense of someone else). So, why did I say this? I wondered this on my way home from the play date... Honestly, it is because I do sometimes feel bad (again, not the best choice of word) about being on birth control and being happy with just the two children I already have and not wanting to expand my family. Why is this? I'm not sure...that is the reason for this blog. I don't feel guilty, really. It is more like -- there are so many people out there that can't have children and here I am -- a healthy 27 year old. Also, as a Christian, sometimes you (I) feel like I am judged by this decision I have made not to have 100 kids...Maybe this is why I said this to another lady that I knew was a Christian...to elicit a response, to see what she thought. Sadly, I was happy to hear her say, "What? Why?" (*wiping my brow*) Whew! Maybe I'm not a horrible person!? Ok, so that is a bit over the top ...haha.

What is it that makes us feel this way as mothers?? Is it societal views? I just don't know if I can pin it on that because society accepts so many other things as ok. Maybe it is just the circles that I keep...?? Maybe these women (the breast feeding women) feel like they will be judged by the women who did nurse their children? I really don't know. I just know that why I said the aforementioned thing (above) to the woman in my group; I almost kicked myself as soon as I said it because really I don't feel bad, I just feel like I am not living up to my role as a Christian -- in some people's viewpoints. Then there is the question of: Why do I even care what people think of me? Really, the only person I should care about impressing/pleasing is God. He is my creator/judge. I know this in my head, but when it comes down to it, I also want to make other people happy with who I am.

I am going to say something right now that would probably send my mom over the edge...really. I AM HAPPY WITH WHO I AM...at least for the most part. I know I am not perfect. The Bible is very clear on that point. The only perfect person that ever walked the face of this Earth is Jesus Christ. I do things sometimes that I wish I could take back -- saying something mean about someone, thinking something mean about someone, telling a white lie, not spending enough time with Him...but as far as the person I have evolved to be...I like this person. It has taken me a long time to get here.

(I know I am totally off subject, but who cares...) I remember a time in high school (high school, people--not middle school, not elementary school) that my sister was brushing my hair, or playing with my hair (this was pretty unusual really). My mom was sitting on the bed with us and Tiffany pulled my hair or something (by accident) and I exclaimed that, "ouch, that hurts". Tiffany said that she was just trying to make my hair look pretty. I remember being upset by her saying that (ok, so maybe I was a little sensitive back then) and saying back that I already had pretty hair. For those of you who knew me in HS, know that this really wasn't the case but I digress... I can still remember the look of shock and disgust on my mom's face when she told me that I was so conceited just like my cousin (who everyone thought was conceited, I guess -- I don't really remember why). This still sticks with me to this day. Really? Are women not allowed to think they are pretty without being put into the conceited box?

Are there two boxes: conceited and not conceited, breastfeeder (child nurturer) and not a breastfeeder (non-child nurturer), one or another. Can't their be a middle ground. Do I have to fit in society's box to be fully accepted and not looked down on by one group or another? Can't someone like the way they look without being conceited? Can't someone be an amazing mother without breastfeeding their child? Can't someone still be a Christian with zeal for life without wanting to have "as many kids as the Lord blesses me with"? I mean, really? This drives me crazy!! Where do people get these ideas?

So, society or...what? I just don't know. All I know is that no matter what it is, starting now (after typing through my thoughts), I am going to strive to please only One...God. Does anything else really matter?

I know, I know...

...I'm a slacker. I am going to try to get around to blogging tomorrow.

Taking a moment

I have been cleaning house and doing laundry on and off all day so I thought I would take a minute and write a quick blog while I am trying to avoid the AI results that I am sure will be all over the internet very soon. Sheesh. Why can't California be normal and allow us to watch the show live with the rest of the world?

Today has been a pretty good day. Kailee often reminds me of what a slacker of a mother I can be sometimes...and how she refuses to be ignored. haha. Today Kailee was asking to watch a cartoon since Sophia was napping (because this is the only time she is allowed to watch cartoons) and I told her to wait just a minute because I was checking my email. A couple minutes later (after I had moved on from email and was checking facebook...haha) she asked again. I told her to hold on a minute. The next thing I know she has walked across the room and is standing beside me with the remote in her hand. She told me that she wanted to show me something and proceeded to tell me that I could do both things at once. So, she took the remote in one hand (telling me to watch) and she put her other hand on the keyboard of the computer and started to press buttons. She said "see, you can use the computer and turn on cartoons at the same time." I couldn't help but to laugh because, first of all, she is only 3 (and 3 months old) and secondly, because she called me out without even realizing it. I definitely should have turned on the cartoon since I had told her I would when Sophia laid down for a nap. She is so doggon cute!

I love the moments when she does or says something like that. It really fills my heart with love and joy. Though they may drive me crazy sometimes, I couldn't imagine my life without my girls! God has blessed me so tremendously. I will praise Him forever!

All of this being said, right now I think it is cute when Kailee says something off hand such as this but someday it is going to turn into a situation like this:

The toll society can take on us...

I have been thinking a lot about some of the things we, as mothers, say or do sometimes and how we allow (subconsciously?) society to mold the way we do things; whether it be the way we discipline our children, our parenting style, breastfeeding or not breastfeeding. I could really go on and on.

It is late and I am exhausted so I am going to bed but I wanted to say something about it so it will remind me later to expatiate on these thoughts. :)

Part 2...emotions.

I'm not even really sure how to broach the subject of emotions during deployments. First of all, you have to say goodbye. The goodbye seems to be one of the hardest parts...How do you say goodbye to the person you love more than anyone else in this world? How do you expect your children to say goodbye when they think that it is only for a short time...a trip to the grocery store for milk, a mid-day run, some time alone? How do you explain that night, as you put your beautiful, innocent children to sleep, that daddy isn't coming home tonight (or any night soon)? Just reading these thoughts as I type them brings up a well of emotions. I guess the best word to describe it is: heart-breaking. The other word that comes to mind is desperation. Desperate for one more hug, one more kiss, one more laugh, to hear him read one more night time story to the girls, to see him glance at me from across the room with those penetrating eyes, to hear him tell Kailee a "once upon a time" as she lays in bed at night...My heart literally hurts just thinking about it.

That is how we (military families) survive the emotional train wreck of deployments. We detach ourselves. We don't think about it. We just move...we just do. We do the dishes, we mow the lawn, we take our children for walks, we read the bedtime stories, we give them unconditional love, we let it slip (just this once...) when our children are misbehaving because, after all, how else do they show emotion? They miss daddy too. And when we hear the cry "I want daddy" during timeouts or after waking up from a bad dream, we just hold our little ones and cry with them saying, "I ,baby, Daddy loves you, and he'll be home soon".

I wish I could say that I am always strong in these situations. The truth is...I am weak. The worst deployment for me was only a 3 month tryst in Timbuktu, Mali, Africa. I longed for Seth...in every sense of the word. Kailee was young and I just felt like I was falling apart emotionally. I have heard people say that you should never tell your soldier about your emotional distress or if bad things are going on at home. I have heard that you should just deal with it because you shouldn't put your husband (in my case) in danger while he is deployed. "He needs to focus on his objective and nothing else -- He needs to stay alive." I will be the first to say that I think I am a strong person, but I couldn't bring myself to do this. During his short time in Mali, I can remember us both having complete meltdowns on the phone. It was hard. On one hand, I didn't want him to see this weakness in me but on the other hand, if I completely separated myself from the situation emotionally (which some people do -- to get through), I'm not sure our marriage would still be as strong as it is today. I can't just turn it on and off. Once you separate yourself like that, it is hard to get back...sometimes people never do. I truly believe this is one of the reasons divorce is so prevalent among the military.

This was the deployment that we decided Seth would get out of the Army. I NEEDED him. I wanted him to hug his daughter, to put his arms around me, to read her bedtime stories in person, not through a video he recorded before he left. Every night we would push play on the video to hear Seth repeating "In the great green room, there was a telephone..." My heart broke for Seth to have to be away from Kailee, and her from him. Will she remember it now? No. But he will. He will always know that he missed those times in her life. If I didn't love my husband, this would be easier to stomach, but I do. I love him with ever fiber of my being and it when he hurts, I hurt.

Are deployments hard? Yes. Do they sometimes feel like they are draining the life out of your family? Yes. Is God good? Yes. Does he have a plan? Yes.

Even after writing all of this and reliving the emotions that come along with it, I ask myself: Is being a military wife/mom worth it?

Yes. (Hindsight is 20/20)

(*more to come*)

Being a military spouse and mom (part 1: deployments)

There are lots of bad things that can be said about being a military mom/spouse. I could definitely compile a list and that list would definitely be longer while my husband is deployed (and I am hating the Army life x 1000). That would be the first thing on my list: deployments. There is no easy way of saying it: DEPLOYMENTS STINK! (If I was a "cussing" person, I could probably come up with many more colorful descriptions that would put this one to shame). Not only do deployments effect the immediate family (wife/husband and children) of those deployed but they also effect family and friends. Seth's first deployment came not long after the "Fight on terror" started in 2003. That wasn't when deployments first touched our lives, though. Seth had several friends (including his best friend, John) that couldn't make it to the grand occasion of our wedding in March of 2003 because they were on the first wave of deployments after the war started. This was my first taste of the Army/military life. Seth deployed in 2004 to Iraq for 6 months. I know! I had it easy. My best friend's husband was gone for 15 months (and they had already had their precious little girl).

...and then Kailee came. :) Of course, in the military, there are 3 types of babies: pre-deployment babies, post-deployment babies, and R&R babies. Kailee was a post-deployment baby. While Seth was deployed, I couldn't help but think that if something DID happen to him, I wouldn't have anything to remember him by. I know it sounds weird but at the time, this is truly what I was thinking. Deployments really mess with your mind, your emotions. It was rough. War-time emotions were running on high at the time -- with EVERYONE, not just the military families. I was working in a mall through college and I can't count the number of times some bumbling idiot (yes, I know that isn't very nice) would come into the store ranting about how he was mad at the soldiers (of all people!) for being in Iraq because they chose to join the military. Are you kidding me?!!? I was irate. How could someone be mad at the soldiers??? I still can't make since of that one. I am truly one of those people that think believe that you don't/didn't have to agree with the war (or the reasons we were there) to support the troops. My point is this -- you can't really understand the military lifestyle unless you are living it. It is a constant push and pull.

All of this being said and as strange as this may sounds, deployments really brought out the best in me as a mother. When Seth was/is home, I rely on him for help with the girls, pets, house, etc. In doing this, I often found/find myself slacking in these areas -- thinking that Seth could read the girls (or, at the time, it was only Kailee) a story, he could change the poopy diaper, he could unload the dishwasher, he could mow the lawn...I equate Seth being deployed to taking a full load of classes in college (like 19 or 20 hours). I did this one semester and it made me stay "on the ball". I had not time to slack. If I allowed myself that moment of weakness, it would be like an avalanche; my grades would take a turn for the worse very quickly. The same can be said about deployments (in my case, that is). When Seth is gone, somehow, it was, dare I say, easier? Physically, easier -- I had no choice, as a parent, but to do everything in my power to cater to Kailee's best interests. She wanted a story, she got it. The yard needed to be mowed, I did it. Everything stayed in order because I felt that is the one thing I had control of. If I were to let just one thing slip, it would all go spiraling out of my control.

Emotionally, this was another story and this is what inevitably led to Seth getting out of the Army all together...

(*more to come*)