....and more stages.

Where was I? Oh yes, I had transitioned between a state of mind where I thought I wasn't deserving/thought I wouldn't achieve much in life to a state of mind where I realized that God had blessed me with an amazing husband and I was/am worth his love.

It's funny because even as I wrote that last sentence I cringed a little at how many people I know would think (do think/will think?) that sounds selfish, self-centered, and conceited. Why is it that some people think it is bad to love the person God has created you to be. There are many days when I don't feel worthy of God's love or trust (as in Him trusting me to take care of my girls and husband), but then I realize that's what's so amazing about God's grace; he loves us no matter what! I am so grateful!!

Sorry, I got off topic there a bit. So here I find myself in a loving, committed relationship, going to school, and working full time. Whew! It makes me tired just thinking about it. Looking back and really pondering on it, I don't see the next stage in my life as vividly as I did the first few. I guess the next stage came when Seth deployed to Iraq. I learned a lot about myself during this time! I have always thought of myself as a strong (and strong-willed, some would say stubborn -- sometimes to a fault) and independent person. Even as newlyweds Seth and I weren't that couple that had to be attached at the hip all of the time. We could walk into a room  and go our separate ways (this is where the aforementioned heart-melting looks from across the room come into play -- haha) and join back up later.

Through Seth's deployment I put on a facade of strength. What many peopl don't know is how many times I went home, sat on the floor and cried. They don't know how, when Seth's things arrived from Iraq the second week he was gone, I took out a shirt and sat on the floor crying while I held it to my face searching for any sign of him that would  make him feel closer. They don't know how I would wake up in a panic thinking that I might have missed a phone call from him.

When did I transition from a strong, independent girl to a dependent, mess of a woman on the middle of my living room floor? I can tell you when -- the week before he left. I knew how much I loved Seth but I would have never thought it would manifest itself in that way. The week before Seth left I couldn't even look at him with crying. What if he didn't come back to me? I couldn't possibly go on if he didn't...I couldn't imagine my life without him in it...not for one second.

Seth was leaving out of Ft. Bliss, TX so a couple days before he left we flew down to stay with his Aunt and Uncle in Plano, TX (a suberb outside of Dallas). It is funny how grief can strike at any minute...We were in the kitchen making tortilla chips and guacamole; Seth was standing on the other side of the kitchen and I just stood there and watched him laughing with his family. I couldn't help but think: What if this is the last time I see him smile? hear his laugh? feel his arms around me? his kiss on my lips? It was like one of those scenes in a movie where everything else kinda fades away and his movements were in slow motion. I wanted to savor every action. Every nod of his head. Every laugh that escaped his lips. I wanted more than anything for him to come over and tell me that everything was going to be ok and that he would come back to me. I wanted to yell at him for not coming over in that moment and reassuring me...but he had no idea what I was going through in that moment (and neither did anyone else). I held back the tears and excused myself before I had a  breakdown right there in front of his whole family...oh, don't worry -- this came a little later.

What had come of me??? Where was my strength?? Military families go through this everyday..."God? God? Are you there? Please, God, give me strength!! I can't do this without you...those were my thoughts in these weak moments." After Seth left (and, yes, I had a complete breakdown at the airport -- right in front of his aunt and uncle), I started a new stage of my life -- one completely dependent upon God to take care of me and my husband who was fighting for his life and the lives of others in a foreign country thousands of miles away...

Seth did come upstairs that night and put his arms around me. He tried to reassure me that everything was going to be ok...but he couldn't guarantee anything. Only God could do that...If only He would have, those 6 terrifying months would have been a lot easier. Seth and I then went back downstairs and talked with Seth's family for a while--on the outside it was as if nothing had happened (but I knew from that point on I would be changed forever). This time Seth would look across the room at me and give me a reassuring wink. All I could think was "Please God take care of him. Protect him. Surround him with 1000 angels. We need you now..."

Some stages in life are good. Did I like this short-lived "I'm going crazy with grief and depression" stage? No. Did I learn from it? Yes. Did it draw me closer to Seth? Yes. What about the stage that was coming? The one where I had to rely wholly on God? This stage was very difficult and simultaneously gratifying.

If you want to read more about the next stage of my life, be sure to "follow" me by RSS feed or email at the top of the page...